276 Days to Go - Of All the Things I've Lost ...

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." My memory is getting worse and worse as time goes by. The big joke at my house is when I see a movie preview and I say that I really want to see that movie. My family starts howling with laughter because they say I have already seen it.

"Really?" 

"Yes. Not only did you see it, but you loved it!"

More laughter. Sad face for me. I can't remember! I wonder what else I don't remember. 

I was recently given a book by my girlfriend to play with called "Brain Games" by Elkhonon Goldberg, Ph.D. It has a variety of levels and categories to work on to exercise your brain. They are puzzles of all sorts. I have really enjoyed going through the book.

Some stuff on Level 1 (page 1!!) I cannot even do! What's up with that! Then last night, I did a page from Level 5. I completed it! I redeemed myself, just a little. I went onto Google Images, my favorite picture-finding program, so that I could have a good picture of this book to show you readers of this blog. Guess what I found! Not only a picture of the book, but their website as well. I didn't know they had one. It was super cool for me! Yeah! http://www.lumosity.com/ I went on there and exercised my brain! It was very rewarding!! I saw immediate strengths and immediate weaknesses that my brain had. They even recorded my progress and increased my challenges. My brain is actually tired now, so I can tell the exercises worked. It makes sense because brains might be organs, but they are muscles too. Does the website cost money? Yes, a little bit, but I paid it. I think it is well worth it. There is a tester area if you are new to the site. Try it.

All I can say is "Alzheimer's Disease, and yes even you, 'Sometimer's Disease' as I call it, Stay away from me! My brain is busy working right now!" I have Dementia in my family. If exercising my brain will help me avoid that, why the possibilities are endless! To this, I smile.

Oh, Dear, Real Life Data to Support My Cause in this Case in Point Example from Yesterday Afternoon: I paused writing this post to run an errand. Three destinations across the city in 45 minutes. That was the goal, completely doable. Two hours later with an ice cream sundae in tow for my efforts, I returned home having called my husband twice for directions and criss-crossing the stinkin' city three times! My mind was lost!!! And, I almost lost my sanity with it!

Yeah for treats like ice cream. That's all I can say about that! Once home in the safety of my studio, I thought, "Can you spell l-a-m-e?" I can. I wonder which page in the book covers getting yourself lost in a familiar place??? At least with this new website, I feel some hope for me. Before then, the looney bin was a callin' me. Good Grief!

277 Days to Go - Give Me an Ear!

Ok. So, what if I am not listening? What if I am only a talker? What if my defenses are so habitual, not to mention so impregnable, that very little gets past them. Perhaps I only let the birds fly over. I like birds. Is it possible that my defensive walls are soundproof? Could be. Maybe I have a highly trained set of ears. Performance ears. Ears that only hear what I have instructed them to hear. I think they are very good at that, so my diagnosis is Highly Trained Guard Ears. On my, I don't have a guard dog ~ I have Guard Ears! This makes sense now that I have looked at it more clearly. If I can't hear you, you can't hurt me. I think this a well developed plan that has taken decades to perfect.

"Grrrr!"

My Guard Ears are on duty 24/7 they are telling me. Nobody's gonna mess with their master! Jeez, I am well-protected and didn't even know it! I see now that this set up will definitely make two-way communicating difficult with someone who is interested in my welfare or our welfare as a couple. No wonder our conversations don't work. 

Let's see what I just learned through writing this post. I talk and  you listen. You talk and I don't listen. Something is wrong. Since knowledge is the first step to change, may I benefit from my own advice. I wonder if retraining Guard Ears is as time-consuming and difficult as retraining dogs...

"Grrr!" comes the growl from deep within.

Yikes! Maybe I even guard myself from me!

Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love" would perhaps meditate upon this matter in her meditation cave in India, I think. No wonder she always came out of there grieved and sweating, her battles long and hard. She was fighting with herself!

Well, I am sick of fighting with me and everybody else! I still feel fight in me, but I would prefer to use that energy to LISTEN. I think that would serve me better. "Guard Ears, Go get in your bed. Stay."

Let's see if that works.

278 Days to Go - Insight from the Outside

If I observe enough people, will I see my way? I have lofty goals and lack of .... something that I don't even know. The two have a hard time going together. 

I am a communicator by nature. I learned to talk early, and as my dad says, I've never shut up since. I have always been able to express my love for people through my words and my actions. I can talk long into the night with a troubled child or friend. I can speak to large congregations, both prepared talks and unprepared comments. I have sung at funerals. I have talked with those who have lost loved ones, once even being the bearer of the loss to the young children of a family I was close with. I have done customer service for years and loved it. I love talking with my family members, near and far. I have no problem speaking up in groups at meeting, etc. Pretty much, I could talk to any stranger, and often have. And, of course, I write.

So, why am I troubled today?

... it's that something I don't know. There is something missing! No matter how hard I try or how creative I get, I can't seem to communicate with my husband as easily as I can other people. That really bothers me. We will start to talk about something, and the conversation with turn to incoherent babble from my lips. At times, I don't even know what I am talking about. He says my defenses go up pretty fast. I have tried my to sit on my Defense cards. My Get Out of Jail cards seem pointless because I think I am in way too deep for those. My married communication is @#$%!

The funny thing is (or should I say the poignant thing is) that in my first marriage, which lasted for 21 years, we didn't communicate well at all. His solution was never tell me anything, and my solution was to never talk, not to him, not with him, not about him. He yelled at me, and I quivered. Those were the roles we played. Not very healthy. Now, in this second marriage, I married an attorney by trade. He is a talker and his words mean very specific things. They are very important to him because they mean the difference between winning a case and not. His work is mostly done on paper and he only has one chance to help his clients ~ and that requires the exact words. He is an Immigration Attorney.

From a marriage without talking to a marriage with talking, I was delighted four years ago. Now, I am completely famboozzled by it. I don't know his words and he doesn't know mine! Good Grief! We love each other. We are committed to each other. We care about each other. We just can't talk to each other. The irony is that when we first met, we talked long hours into the night. That went on through our first years of marriage as well. Now, what? We're seasoned married people? Really? Now after all this time, we don't have the stamina perhaps for each other's stories. Too bad we can't just rewind the tape a bit and go back to the beginning of our relationship when talking together was fun.

Now, you may (or may not) question why I would write something so incredibly personal. A) I have done it before. Check previous posts. B) This blog is a journey of discovery and challenge. It requires honesty or I won't get where I want to go. C) My relationship with my husband is very important to me, and today I am missing something. Something I can't see.

279 Days to Go - "I Want to Hold You"

Ever since my 14-year-old daughter was very young, she would reach her little arms up to me and say "I want to hold you!" To this day whenever she is not feeling well, she will come and lay her head on my shoulder and say it again. I too, have gone "home" to see my parents for the solace that only they can give me. Parents and children, what a wonderful and unique bond. When nurtured from youth, it blossoms into wonderful relationships as we age. My parents, now both in their 70's, are amazing examples to me of love and friendship,  of devotion to each other, of commitment. They have been married over 50 years. They were childhood sweethearts, and as they say ... they still are.

May I take advantage of the information shown me by my children on the one side and my parents on the other. Great stores of knowledge and experiences they all have had. It shows me more and more that we are all in this thing called life together for a reason. I love my family. I love the comfort and care each person in our family receives old and young. I am grateful for what I have learned and will yet learn from each of you. Glad to be Granddaughter, Daughter, Wife, Mom, Nother Mother, and Nana ~ yes, Sister, Niece, and Cousin too, I see how we influence each other. Have I not looked long at the bigger picture before? Did I not see the forest because I was only looking at the trees?

In gratitude for all, I look up to our Heavenly Father with arms out-stretched I plead,
"I want to hold You."

282 Days to Go - Can You Hear Me Now?

"Mom, carry your cell phone!"
"Mom, turn on your cell phone!"
"Mom, where were you? I called you three times!"
"Mom, Mom, are you there?"
Mark, handing me his cell phone, "It's _______ (my kid)." He smiles.

I do have a cell phone. I use it all the time. I just don't always tuck it into my bra the way other women do, and there's no way I am sticking it in my front pants pocket like my husband does. From my back pocket, I have dropped my phone, not once but twice, into the toilet! (Luckily I'm quick and got that thing dried out in time, both times.) I have worn the phone in a leather phone holder on my belt, but I then feel like I need a gun holster on the other side to balance out my look. So, usually I carry the phone in my hand (very limiting when using that hand for other things) or stick it safely in my purse in its special phone pocket - that's just where I like it.

The trouble is this: I'm Unavailable. I don't hear the phone ring or its still on silent because I set it like that in my last meeting. The bottom line is that my kids are complaining that they can't get to me when they want to.

So few options here. Now, I keep the phone with me as much as possible, even in that back pocket of mine, a risk, I know. I set it out on my desk while I work. I have it in my lap on vibrate in quiet settings. My word, you would think I am a doctor on call! ... oh wait, I am.

Mom. Doctor. They are about the same thing, I think. They fix things that are broken. They comfort the sick and the weary. They rejoice at recovery. They counsel and guide in things that are unseen or unknown. And, if we are cool, they like us and want us to come back to see them.

OK. I'll keep my phone handy for the kids, but I'll need a raise. How much do doctors make? (smiles)

284 Days to Go - Apples Anyone?

I've been thinking a lot about my eating lately. My conclusion is that Cookies plus Milk do not equal Breakfast. This is really hard for me to take, but I try regardless. So, yesterday I am driving down the road about lunchtime. You know, that time of day when you might just pass by the mild warning signs of hunger on your way somewhere else and before you know it you're starving at 4:00 pm while you make dinner scheduled for 6:00 so now you don't want to spoil your only real meal of the day (dinner) with a full-blown  breakfast/lunch combo as you make the cornbread. Yah, that time.

So, yesterday I am driving down the road about lunchtime and decide that I need real food at a real time. Thoughts pour through my brain as I pass many choices: Del Taco, Subway, a grocery store. No. Finally I turn around for an Arby's thinking there's meat there, processed though it is. Meat and a bun. That's a start for a not-much-meat-eater called Me. I drive through and order a Jr. Arby's sandwich with my favorite, water. Thinking that won't be enough to feed me, I quickly call out an order of curly fries, small. "Why did I do that? Good Grief!" comes my internal rebuke. "Greasy, spicy fries? Come on!" Passing the menu board on the way to the window I spy a red apple. Yes, right there on the menu board. It goes with a boxed lunch of some sort. Wow! I usually don't eat fresh fruit. That bright red apple calls out to me from the board. At the window I inquire, "Hey, can you give me an apple too?"

"Sure. That's $1.39."

That price for one apple is no problem for me right then. I just ordered a healthy food! I smile. Leaving the drive-thru with my two bags in tow, I am dreamy and satisfied at my ever-so-wise choice for the day. A mile away I reach into the first bag blindly searching for my sandwich. What do I find? My apple ... an apple turnover with white frosting on top! Eiy! My smile flopped.
                                                                                                    

285 Days to Go - Sleepless in Mesa

It's 3 in the morning here in raining central Arizona. I have been sleeping for hours, or so I should have been. But, no. In reality I've tossed and turned for hours. I've gotten up and wandered the halls as I am sometimes prone to do, and then I actually did it. I walked right up to a window and stared out it pressing my palms against the cool glass. I even rested my head against the glass as I pondered what to do. I have become the image in the movies:

A slow wisp of my gown as I roam in the unseen hours. The quiet walls stare in disbelief as Moonglow draws me into her realm. I willing go to be embraced by the stars. Content I sit and ponder the mysteries of my view. Late into the night I roam once more not finding all I seek. I come upon a trail of the familiar. Orange blossoms beckons me home to the world far below. Slipping in through my thoughts and down into my bed, I snuggle once more ... to the sound of the children's showers. Good Morning Family. ZZzzzzzz. 

This definitely falls under Goal #1: Health.
Note to Self: Work on Goal #1.

287 Days to Go - Gluttony with a Side of Stress

Have you ever wondered, "Why do I keep getting myself into the same predicaments?"
I do.

A few months ago I could literally only eat saltine crackers and water all day. I lost 30 pounds within weeks. I just felt sick to my stomach all of the time. The doctors (many, many specialists, tests, months and even a hospitalization later) decided I was STRESSED. I didn't feel stressed, my guts just felt broken. Finally with the help of the fifth possibly life-threatening event in a row, not for me but for loved ones, I realized maybe the doctors were right. I was stressed - but I didn't act like it. My psychologist told me that my body knew what my mind wouldn't allow. My body knew I was not only stressed, but stressed out. That made a lot of sense. There were some pretty dramatic things going on in my life and I wasn't reacting to them, just going from one to the other, while my body was shutting down on me trying to get me to pay attention to ... anything.

From that experience I first tried to admit that I was the "S" word. I couldn't even say it. How odd. After looking into the fact that I couldn't even say the word, I learned that the word stress to me meant that someone was going to get hurt if I was stressed. Experiences from my past were pasted all over my present! The truth was I WAS STRESSED whether I wanted to admit it or not.

From that point on I began to reduce the stress in my life. It has been working, as long as I participate in it. (smiles) Finally my weight stabilized and my guts began to heal. 

I have once again been able to put on weight. I have regained 20 of those lost pounds. Now I can eat anything I want, and I do. Last night I proved it at a very scrumptious Bar-B-Que place! Which brings us to the picture up top. Today, that is me. Ugh!

Today ... My Guts are Broken!!!! And, I'm fat again. Now, I am stressed over that.
Seriously, will I ever learn?

289 Days to Go - Enter as Strangers, Leave as Friends

My oldest daughter has a sign hanging above the inside of her front door that I just love: Enter as Strangers, Leave as Friends. My On-line Friends definitely fit that description. 

One such friend just started corresponding with me through FaceBook about my blog. Her name is Thea and she is from Norway (please correct me if I am wrong). Thea has been following my blog and has some insights of her own to share as we have some things in common. I am grateful that she has so graciously allowed me to talk openly with her here on my blog. Through our conversations I immediately realized that sharing with you readers, you too would gain insight from Thea. This would also give us a chance to support Thea as she is supporting me. It opens the community of friendship up to others as well. Life is filled with ups and downs. Friends help lighten that load. 

With things in common, Thea and I have become friends to support each other in being more healthy and happy. Unfortunately I have not been able to pull her comments from FaceBook, comments she has said about this blog, over to the blog itself because it is no longer posted on FaceBook where I can access it. The comments have been important however. The bottom line was that we decided together to share our friendship publicly so that others might be helped by our conversations. Remember someone is always watching. We do want our footsteps to be worth following. We do want to make a difference in the world. Thea and I have a chance to actualize that here on this blog.

Others of you may also have significant things to say but are shy or unsure of how to post a comment. I have made an entry on my sidewall on this blog that tells you exactly how to leave a comment if it is something you want to do. Some of you may be "closet readers". I have talked with some of you recently. There are many of you. That's always welcome too.

However, if you are a reader who is struggling with something that fits into the goals I have listed at the top of my blog, then I invite you to join me and others in a common search for what some people may think is impossible. 

My goals are not impossible, if fact, they may be unreasonable, but that does not put them out of reach. They are just simply goals that are challenging. As friends, who knows what new possibilities may open up to each of us as we talk together. If you have advice, please give it to us. (Remember, others are reading too.) If you need support with your struggles, let us support you. As we strengthen each other the world around us changes as well. Always for the better ... even the only thing that changes is our perspective of ourselves.  

I am public about my life because I want to make a difference in the world. Do you want to help too? If so Spread the News about my blog and Join in a United Effort to Be a Better People.

Thank you Thea! You have broadened the horizon of this blog in a way I never considered.

290 Days to Go - Planting Seeds

One topic I generally avoid during this challenge of mine is my health. Listed as my first goal, being my most important, it is also the hardest. Health. All-encompassing good health. Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. My health. Not my children's, which I am pretty good at, but my own. Ugh!

The concepts sound great. The reward would be awesome. The follow-through requires discipline.

So, I am going to create the possibility of being a Healthy Person. It's like planting a seed. As it grows and more people see it and enjoy its beauty, I will be more fulfilled. ... No, as it grows and I see it and enjoy its beauty, I will be more fulfilled and people around me will be benefited as well.

As my weight falls too low or my fat packs on, whether I am stressed out or depression sets in, even when I am too out of shape to climb a flight of stairs without stopping to rest and breathe, I know that it is up to me to change my way of being.

Today I ate healthy food. Surprise! Today I went to a seminar. Less of a surprise. Today I watched 3 hours of a TV show series that I am interested in. Typical.

I like the idea of planting a seed for better health. It is a small act that transforms as it is nurtured.  Maybe that's what I am learning to appreciate the most today: I can Nurture Myself.

That feels like a wonderful hug I just gave myself. Yeah for me! (smiles)

293 Days to Go - Winning Conversations

Perhaps a long blog, but I think worth it. (smiles)

D-fence 

(Do you hide behind yours? I do.)

Mark and I have talked with each other for four and a half years now. Sometimes for hours on end with the most interesting information shared. Sometimes for hours on end with painful results. Sometimes short and sweet with love in the air. Sometimes short and not so sweet with a "runaway bride" zooming out the door for fresh air as she thinks it's time to walk the hundreds of miles back to somewhere that feels safer. Sometimes it's Mark that will walk away first. He walks away for two reasons that I had noted: one - he doesn't want to prolong the would be conversation that is really just a dart throwing contest and he leaves with the words, "I won't be talked to like that." That really works! Sometimes he leaves because his pain also needs protection and he wants to run away too.

Have you ever found yourself in such predicaments? One day we were having a conversation (we don't have arguements) that in all truth we were hanging on to in the attempt to actually find some common ground. Neither wanted to leave the other with the topic unresolved.  Soon, one of my grown sons came into our room, straight into our awkward conversation, and just looked at the two of us.

"Get it together!" he firmly said as he turned in dismay to where he had come from - the kitchen. (I wonder who else we have made uncomfortable with our little "private" talks.)

His comment had such great impact on me. Here we were the adults being instructed by the children to stop affecting their lives with the negativity that miscommunicating often brings with it. Communication is important, but I decided right there and then, it was definately complicated!

This bickering and bantering stuff was new to me. Even arguing was unfamiliar to me. They had not been a part my first marriage. There, I had been yelled at but I was too intimadated to respond. I was silent. In contrast, Mark's first marriage was familiar with escalating arguments. And, as I grew more comfortable finding my voice in this new marriage of mine with Mark, I learned to argue too. It was liberating. I could fight back. It was rewarding even. I even shouted! It was great! ...for me.With a whole new way of communicating presented to me, I used it to my full advantage ... and was finally called on it by my son. Thank goodness for attentive family members. Thanks, son.

Now that I could and would argue, how was I to really communicate what I wanted to communicate. My old method of silence was not going to be helpful here. Arguing (even if we called it a conversation) was not working either. Staying "in the ring" as we called it had become important to both of us. Employing that as an option meant to just keep talking and talking until finally we felt each of us was understood - hours later. Those were not fun conversations. They were taxing. Ugg! So, now what? We loved each other, but our way of communicating simply did not work!

Knowing the goal, one needs to utilize creativity I have found. With an upcoming trip planned, I implimented a new idea. Mark and I had been to a marriage seminar once where we learned about "sitting on our defenses". This means that when one partner is saying something that is antagonizing the other in someway, intentionally or not, the offended partner might "let it go" as unintentional and pretend to sit (symbolically) on the defense they were coming up with to protect themselves from the onslaught of uncomfortable words from the other partner.

The question becomes: Do we always need to defend ourselves? Really? Is it possible to have a conversation with a loved one and not to become offended by what was said or how it was or was not said? If so, that would require sitting on our defenses.

Back to our trip, a long car ride out of state. Just the two of us. An adventure in the making or a miserable circling conversation of unintended folly...

Creative plan in place, I called on a girlfriend for assistance. Off to the dollar store for a small open box. This was to become The Card Box. Next, I turned to my super artsy daughter for her computer talents to create some cards for us made on Index Cards: D-Fence (15 cards each) and Get Out of Jail Free! (3 cards each). The D-Fence cards were made with a capital D next to a picture of a picket gate. It is a symbol used in  a football game waved by the audience to promote defense by the home team. The Get Out of Jail Free card had, of course, the picture of a jailbird being booted from his cell from the game of Monopoly.

With cards in hand and the rules established, we set off yesterday for our journey. The rules were simple: If during a conversation one party felt like their need to defend themselves was rising, instead of thinking of a good comeback or a defensive comment, that party would pull out a D-Fence card from The Card Box and display it to the other party before sliding it ever so carefully under their own bum. Thus, sitting on their defense. The other party would then be aware that the offended party was somehow affected by the conversation and was using a concentrated effort to not protect themselves in an effort of peace. This would give both parties an opportunity for pause. Saying out loud "I'm sitting on my D-Fence" plants that thought well into the offended parties mind and helps with the self-control and the "letting go". Generally such provoking comments are not intentional in loving relationships, so letting them go works, defending against them doesn't. This card is for the Offended.

The second rule involved the Get Out of Jail Free card. It's to be used by a party that really needs immediate attention from the other partner to stop the conversation or action. Hurt was being caused in some form or another and only stopping the hurt would be productive at that point. This card would be used especially when one party could not seem to get the other party to understand them and/or their need. The Get Out of Jail Free card was a Trump card. A Let it Go card for the offending party. Just drop the topic immediately and perhaps it could be addressed at another opportunity when there wasn't frustration in the air. Thus, peace again could come to the couple. Ever remembering their common goal: Love for Each Other. With these cards the concept of "I Must Be Right" is let go for the sake of the other person's feelings or concerns. This card is for the Offender.

The funny thing about the cards and our trip was that because everything had been prearranged and the rules set out, things went better than expected. We already knew our common goal: Love for Each Other. The cards were available to us the whole time, right there by the car's dashboard. But, we did not even use one of them. It seemed that just knowing the concept helped our conversations be more supportive to each other.

As a demo of how well the cards work, my girlfriend who took me to the dollar store for my Card Box before I left for our trip, had a dilemma for which we used one of the cards. I used a Get Out of Jail Free card on her behalf at her recent birthday party. A half hour before the appointed end time of the party, her sweet and ever-so-helpful husband began to put away the chairs and clean up the party as her numerous guest were dwindling away. My friend was not done with her party yet and still expected late guests.  She became concerned about the chairs being removed. Her husband, not understanding the importance of the chairs remaining at the tables continued to stack them. I quickly suggested a Get Out of Jail Free card to my friend, who agreed. Running to my car, retrieving the card and returning to the scene, I flashed my friend's card at her husband. I explained that it meant there had been a misunderstanding and that it would be helpful if he would stop what he was doing immediately to meet his wife's concerns. Sighing  with a laugh, he stopped, though still not quite understanding. She was happy. This prevented a possible problem between them. The chairs were returned to the tables by me, since I understood what was really going on, and we all laughed after that.

Discussing this with my husband, we had discovered how to win in a conversation or communication. Winning didn't really mean winning like in a contest, it meant each party was able to understand what was really important to the other party and both could give imput, waiting patiently for the other to finish what he or she was saying. However, if one party was truly being affected by the other's words or actions, there now was a way out, a way to set the conversation aside for another time if needed. The common goal being maintained: Love for Each Other. This way Being Right in the conversation was not as important as the Listening and Letting Go parts, which are more rewarding for all.

We have found a creative way to "Get it Together" and a way to show our children, old and young, that communicating is important and so are the participants. Both parties get to say what is wanted and now, both parties may actually listen as well. I know, a novel idea. (smiles)

Our trip as been the most fun yet.We are looking forward to more enjoyable conversations and activities!

Try the Card Box or the concept, and let me know how it works for you. Think Win/Win.

294 Days to Go - ReProgramming ...

I lasted about a week with my new creativity called "let's be housemates." I saw my EC every day. We are best friends, but it was just ... different. I missed him. Weird. What was it that I missed?  I stilled slept in our bed. I still gave him hugs and kisses. What was it? Truly I missed the connectivity that came from being married. The secrets shared. The bond was missing.

I will tell you if any man could have handled my special request to let me recreate our marriage without using the words marriage or husband, even the dreaded wedding ring that held me bound, then my guy was it. He was so calm and so pleased at my attempts to get a plan of action for something in our lives that just wasn't working right. We decided together what each of us was okay with. Then, it worked ... sort of. We both went throughout our days happily, but just not as happy as we could have been.

I even felt "bad" for having come up with such an idea. I had a good man and I was maybe hurting him with my seemingly ridiculous attempt to stay married without feeling choked to death in the process. My week started happy and ended unfulfilled.

Finally the next Monday (exactly one week after our "meeting"), I called my EC up while he was at work. "Do you have a minute?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can we be married again? I really miss you."

"Gladly!" came his reply.

I put his beautiful wedding ring back on my finger and fought back to urge to choke. I told myself, "Self, Get over It! We are wearing our EC's wedding ring. He loves us and we love him. Let's try to show it, okay?"

And you know what? I listened to myself.

My HUSBAND came home happy as could be. His WIFE was happy too. Together with patience and creativity we got over a hurdle in our MARRIAGE.

What could have been a stumbling block for us was a stepping stone. Once again, the Lord knows so much more than we do.

Don't get me wrong, I love my EC. I want to be with him forever and a day. But, it is allergy season out here in Arizona and I think my brain was just sneezing about those words as much as my nose was sneezing about those orange blossoms starting to bloom.

Hugs to Mark and in reply my sweet husband says, "Just doin' m' job ma'am."

Can't beat that! (smiles)

305 Days to Go - The Truth (AKA Words that Bind)

I will never be able to reach my goals if I don't come clean about something. For months now in this blog I have been talking around an important topic, which is not helping me move forward. To put it bluntly: I seem to be allergic to the words husband and marriage.

For a long time I have been struggling with the word "husband." And now, even the word "marriage" has become a road block for me. For clarity, I am married. Married to the most wonderful man. God brought us together four and a half years ago. I had divorced my first husband several years before that after a 21-year marriage filled with miscommunications and trauma. For me to remarry was not on my list of Things to Do - ever! Proving once again that I am not in charge, God orchestrated a move for me and my three youngest children out of state. Along with that, my meeting Mark. 

How is it that things that should be sweet are so difficult? Still raising the rest of my seven children, I was pretty busy. Mark had three teenage children of his own that he was raising. Combining our families was against all odds. This was definitely not reasonable to think about. Our kids meant everything to us, which was actually something that attracted us to each other. God stayed involved in our communications over the months and we decided it would just be best for our families if we got married so we could help all the kids at the same time instead of doing a Divide and Conquer type of parenting trying to support each other as parents as well.

Marriage brought with it a whole new bunch of problems that were unexpected. Due to my previous experiences with marriage, I grew afraid. The strong, brave Me started to question everything around me. My new husband was not "doing" anything to me but I was having an allergic reaction to him. Struggling through that was a huge joke! My kids needed me, not the weeping blob they were watching. As I realized that, I was able to get help. Previously diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) related to my first marriage and the challenges of mothering seven children through it, I found the perfect psychologist. We had all been hurt. Now with a new marriage, memories kept surfacing and I couldn't control their onslaught. It took insight and hard work with the love and support of a "husband." Do you see the same problem I see? ... Mark is the greatest man ever. He loves and supports my children in their dreams and goals and with his finances. His children are super wonderful. As a family we have a unique set of talents and abilities, the greatest of which is to love unconditionally. ... But, I am allergic to husbands!

When I started this blog, I had a hard time referring to Mark as my husband. We decided together that I would refer to him as My EC (Eternal Companion). This works so much better for me and consequently him as well, since I can blog more freely resulting in the progression of my goals.

Always on the Up Hill, Down Hill Road like everyone else, I've slid to the bottom again. Now last week it seems I am also allergic to the word "marriage." (Good Grief! Can my life get any more ridiculous?) So, a week ago I tell my sweet EC about it. I decide, "Let's be Housemates. Marriage isn't good for me." Now, before you get to concerned, I prefaced my thoughts with our united goals: We both love each other. We both want the best for our family, our children. We both want to be together forever. "However," I told him "I've been trying to think creatively about our situation." In the corner booth of the restaurant he and I were at, Mark commended me for "thinking outside the box." He understood. There was no resentment or frustration, only patience and love. The words husband and marriage somehow trapped me, and Mark didn't want to trap me too.

How is it that words have so much power? What we say. What we don't say. How we say. Which word we use. Insignificant by themselves, yet so powerful in the mind of both the sender and the receiver!

I want to just yell out to the Universe, "The truth is that I do have a husband. I am married. And, I will be Okay!" Maybe if I say it often enough, one day I will believe me.

Today I asked Mark if we could be "married" again. I've really missed him! He gladly agreed and gave me a much needed hug as we went out to dinner. (Hmmm. I wonder if this means I can stop paying him "rent" now? Words... what would we do without them?)