340 Days to Go - A Very Best Friend

341 Days to Go - The Value of Asking

I asked for help, and I got it. What an amazing use of energy. To access the Universe, ask God. To access the life, ask those that live it. Together we all have information to share with each other. We each have unique life stories and experiences giving each of us such a varied amount of knowledge. Readers, please continue to share with me (and others that read my blog) your insights and stories. I have many Readers. Thank you when you share with us. We are all in this life together. Helping benefits us all.

Readers, if you will look on my sidebar, you will see that with the new information I received from my "Advice Wanted" post that I have been able to redefine my immediate goals. They are listed under "Thanks to my Friends". I feel for me that they define The Basics, the Simple Things.

Most importantly, thank you Readers for caring enough about me to share with me. As you fill my cup, I can fill someone else's. That's how Love can Change the World.

344 Days to Go - Advice Wanted

Uncle Sam  I Needs You!

An observation from the outside:

It seems so easy to offer help to others, but I don't help myself. Why? Oooooo. A deep psychological question for the day.

It's not that I can't help myself, but that I don't, or is it won't help myself. 

Bring me a cut knee and I will wash it and bandage it. Tell me we are out of milk and I will buy it. When it rains, I bring my precious lawnmower onto the patio to protect it. Cry out to me and I will come.

Meditate, I won't. Yoga, I will read about. Food, I avoid. Socializing, I dread. 

Give me an emergency. Give me blood. I am there until the work is done. Give me a house to clean or a meal to prepare. I am gone. Gone to the safety of my own little world called my head.

Have me run an office or a department, no problem. Have me run a household, and I am afraid.

Give me drama and I respond - positively or negatively, but I respond. 

Analyzing me I do often and with actual success, yet I can only see me ... I can't operate me. I am like a robot at times. My off switch is usually is on auto-pilot. It functions at my own request, but at a level that I cannot access. Logically I could counsel me. Yet I ignore my own counsel.

Inevitably, I won't listen to myself. That, I'm told, is my subconscious mind refusing to be bullied by me. Sometimes I try to outsmart myself. I talk ever so kindly to me and give myself gentle helpful instruction. Many times I listen but wait. Wait for what? What profound thing am I waiting for? 

Self-control? I am the robot. I am the creator. I am the controller, therefore I have "self-control".

Really? Do I refuse to help myself or am I somehow incapable of doing so? Do I have a missing microchip or a malfunction? 

My conscious mind (logic) and subconscious mind (emotion) are clashing right now. A horrific battle has ensued. I am caught between two very powerful forces. My self-preservation has me bunkered down into the safety of inaction as the mortars fly overhead. The cost is deadly.

Our roles reverse from time to time. Sometimes we are the helpers. Sometimes we are the helped. Today I am begging for help! I am sure not listening to me! Dear Readers, please share any ideas with me that you may have. My strong will is still with me, but I feel like I am using it against me. Do you know how I can use it as a tool for my good?

Today I am really feeling my honesty leaking out of me, seeping like blood into the mud of my bunker. Posting on these blogs has given me a new way to see myself for who I really am. My bravery in exposing who I am to the readers who cross my way is intentional. You see, I am brave. I really am just confused. As I call out to you, perhaps you will reach out to me in my fear.

Knowing me and my confidence as I do, my "innards" mock me. They call me a fool. I rise up against them in this battle of might. It is not the outside world that I fear, it is me, so as I rise up and the new bullets whiz past my head, I myself duck in self-preservation. Really? Yes. My fear of me feels great.

Now I feel my true blood has been spilled.

I don't plan on bleeding out. Since I am good in emergencies, I will apply pressure to the wound and check out my resources. My adrenaline starts to pump as I drag myself through this embattled trench. I am not alone. There are friends here. Some shooting. Some moaning. Do they have the answers? They need help too. Will I stop to help them or will I help myself?

True to form: Of course, I have stopped at the first of the wounded. I offer a sip of water, a word of comfort and a loving hand as he slips from life. My shooting will be of no value now as my strength waivers. I let the others do it. I crawl on. There are more cries, more lifeless bodies. I stop at each. As my own blood drains from me it goes unchecked. I will die tending those who will also die, and I will die happy knowing they were comforted at the end.

Thus, my conflict. 

The airlines are clear about this situation. Put your air mask on before you put an air mask on your child. Translation: If you will not save your own life, how can you expect to be available to save someone else's?

In battle, I will die saving someone else, but I won't save me. I won't save me? No. 

Oh my, a realization of my life has just flashed before me. Not one I like, but one that is true.

  

Dear Readers, I have done many hard things in my life. Oft times I was asked how I did the many things I did. I always answered: I do what I do because I know what I know.

Besides God, I know survival. You survive and you don't leave anyone behind. This is how I have lived. Somehow I have also learned that to survive I must ignore my own pain while I am tending to everyone else.

Now I don't need to survive and I don't know how to help myself. I've got the bandages. but I don't have the medics or their knowledge. Since the battlefield only has two players and they are both me, when I am wounded, I literally don't know what to do next. 

Crashing into the sea in a plane would be easier for me to handle that the battle that has now started within me. At least in the plane I would know where the air mask is located.

This battle I will win. I know me. But, please if any of you have any advice as to the day-to-day mechanics of life, please give me a comment. I don't understand how to do day-to-day life if I don't have to survive anything. This stinks for me.

I really do have things to do. I just won't do them. And, no one can make me either. Great - I have things to do, and I am my biggest hinderance. Do you see what I am up against? Good Grief!

349 Days to Go - "I Ain't Goin' Down Johnny Brown!"

This has been a motto of mine for many years. It comes from the musical "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" based on the real life of Molly Brown, my heroine. Long since passed away, Mrs. Brown has had an effect on me. Her story has inspired me to keep my head above water so to speak. She says, "I ain't never goin' cry Uncle!" ... but eventually she does. In the end she gives in for a reason she never foresaw. She got to the top, and she wasn't happy.  Along her route she left behind the very thing that made her happy - Mr. Johnny Brown.

How do I fit into this story? Well, as for Me, I'm still down on the ground, buried under "the boys" with my head mashed into the dirt. My cry is muffled under them. "I'm still a fight'n! I ain't never goin' cry Uncle!" (Basically, I'm at the bottom ... or the beginning of the story.)

Back to Molly. She did not have some super plan to get to the top, but she did have drive. She knew where she thought the top was, and who she wanted to be like. And, most importantly, she knew who she did not want to be like. With personality and tenacity she did the unbelievable, then in the end ... she found her humanity.

Her swinging pendulum of emotions and energy finally balanced in the middle.

I admire Molly Brown! Debbie Reynolds, who played Molly in the movie, endeared Molly to me. My soul wants to just be like Molly's was portrayed. I want to be myself. Accepted for me, just like I am. Going places, just because I can. Unsinkable, just because I am.

However, I'm a complicated woman. Will I ever accept that? Will I ever be okay just being me? Somehow I think Molly wasn't complicated. I feel like her life was so simple. That's just silly though!  She was complicated. I actually think she would laugh and laugh at that statement if she heard it. Johnny Brown would laugh for sure! Yes, Molly was super complicated! Molly and I are much alike, just ask our men.

Molly made it look so simple though, but the movies often do that. There is a part of me that just craves her early simplicity, yet as the story moves on, Molly didn't even want that simplicity. Molly wanted to learn. She wanted more. Her goals took her to Europe. She wanted to be refined. She wanted to be respected. (The more she learned, the more she wanted, the more complicated things became for her.)

When I look at my lofty goals posted on this blog and try to decide how to attain them, I suffocate inside! I dream high. I plan big. I try hard ... and I cry when it's too difficult. It's getting too difficult now. That's what made me think of Molly. I know Molly dreamed high, planned big, tried hard, and cried when it was difficult too.

Like her, my pathway will be long and uncertain, but rewarding. I still don't know quite where to go next on my journey, but may I never forget that my support won't be found among the royalty of Europe, but right here at home with my EC who loves me and wants the best for me.

That's all that Johnny wanted for Molly. But, she was discontent until she realized what she gave up. I think the lessons she learned along the way were invaluable so the route was difficult, but the truths were worth it.

May I find refinement and respect in the peaceful and graceful things around me. May I always be found Unsinkable! May I learn from Molly to appreciate that which I have. May my swinging pendulum of emotions and energy finally balance in the middle.

Molly, you set out to make a difference in this world, and by doing so you have influenced many, including me. Thank you!

"The real Molly Brown was a progressive, educated, Victorian woman."

** If any of you are interested in Molly's real story then I refer you to the following link: "Chasing Molly Brown" by The Denver Post. "Colorado's first lady of ore was not born in a Missouri cyclone. She didn't survive a flood at age 2. And she never bellied up to the bar, boys." Portrayed in "a reworked version of the musical" as a "glorious, inspiring, intelligent, passionate and funny feast of a woman" in Denver in the spring of 2009, the Denver Post reports that "What remains from the original is that 'unsinkable' remains a wonderful adjective to describe her."


My opinion of Molly Brown has not changed because of this information, but only become stronger. I like her!

351 Days to Go - A Wary Amateur

Taking in all the new information around me is somewhat overwhelming, but I am definitely drying out a bit. My directions are set for me, but I feel very much like I have started at the beginning of something. ... like my life! Slowly I am picking up helpful concepts like keep moving forward, you will eventually get there, and everybody has some helpful insight - it's too bad all that insight isn't in just one book! You know, the "Get Your Life Together" book.

I'm still enjoying "Eat, Pray, Love". I've been reading to my EC for our bedtime story. It's been actually pretty fun. Right now, Elizabeth Gilbert is in India trying on meditation, something that I'm sort of starting to understand. 

I lay meditating in a park early one evening this week. I was face down and stretched out. My arms were crossed beneath my head like a pillow. A stranger stopped to see if I was OK. She scared me with her question. I think I must have actually been meditating. I was focusing on what divinity looks like inside me. I decided it is like a small glowing white light. Not like a light bulb, but more distant like a star. It was in my center, at the base of my sternum. It made me happy. I tried to see its calmness, its peace. I focused and tried to silence the world around me. I liked the feeling.

We do have divinity in us. Can we utilize it when we want to, when we need to? Can it become us? I think Mother Teresa knows the secrets?

I think it takes years of practice and patience. May I have both on this journey.

354 Days to Go - Wet and Vulnerable

This is me today. How are you doing?

We all struggle. We are told it makes us stronger. Well, I am this chick, full of desire and initiative, but vulnerable, wet and cold. This chick's survival will depend on what it does next. Mine will too.

Survival techniques are built deep within each of us. ...

The question today is: Do We Always Have to Survive? When does autopilot take over and we stop fighting what lies within us? Or the circumstances we find ourselves in? Where is the Inner Peace? This chick will find its way as it rests and shakes out the wetness, going toward the warmth of the light or the mother hen. There it will rest after its hard struggle to be born.

Today, I have no place to rest, no warmth to dry my wetness. I am exposed to the elements. I am vulnerable.

In "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert she says, "The Yogis, however, say that human discontentment is a simple case of mistaken identity. We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos consitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recongnize our deeper divine character. We don't realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. That supreme Self is our true identity, universal and divine. Before you realize this truth, say the Yogis, you will always be in despair, a notion nicely expressed in this exasperated line from the Greek stoic philosoper Epictetus: 'You bear God within you, poor wretch, and know it not.'"

Struggling has it purposes, and God has a plan for that as well. I like the concept expressed above. To me it means that even through trials and hardship we can be "eternally at peace". When our divinity is acknowledged, our trials give us perspective and opportunity. Accordingly, without the use of our divinity, our trials bring us despair. Really? My mind is working to place truth to this. The pieces fit. Warmth envelopes me. Hey, it that my divinity shining through? The Father knows His child and brings comfort.

Now, as I see the newborn chick, my understanding deepens: Like the chick there are some things that I must do alone for my own growth. The reward, the warmth, will come as I do what I came into the world to do. In the case of the chick, break out of the confines of an eggshell that has feed and protected the chick. In the case of me, struggle that I may grow stronger, leaving the confines of previous comforts to become something greater.

My mind rambles on ... Lesson in progress. Thought provoked. Still wet and vulnerable ... and yes, a bit ugly, but willing. The laws of nature, the laws of God have provided all that we need. Believing that, finding that truth and accepting the divinity within us will provide the warmth we need to grow into our next stage in life. Each stage will come with its set of challenges. Each adding to our ability, to our divinity.

My conclusion: I seems to me that all things may be temporary as we progress on - temporary being the key. Since we have divinity within us, may we remember and act accordingly, never hesitating to be silent and hear the Eternal Peace that already dwells within us. We will all struggle because God wants us to be strong and capable. He has plans for us. Knowing this may not make our trials easier, but it may give them a purpose that we may not have seen before. Perhaps instead of focusing on the trial, we might focus on the lesson and what God will do with us next.

May we each find our Eternal Peace. ...
To Me, I say, "I can't give up! If a chick can do this, I can!"

361 Days to Go - Enlightenment

Japa Mala Beads
(Yes, you've seen these before.
More about them in a minute.)

My attempts aren't even close!

Today was Wednesday - Enlightenment (Planning, Reading, Paperwork, etc.) according to my Creation Plan. It was the best day yet. I had a very insightful meeting this morning and then went straight to the county library where I studied until lunchtime. Since eating and sleeping are not working for me in my life right now, I studied being healthy using eating and sleeping cycles. I read "On Becoming Baby Wise". (See book details on my bookshelf to the right.) There must be something that I didn't know, so I figured maybe I needed information that starts at the beginning from when we were babies. This book is wonderful! I highly recommend it. Anyway, the point of the day for me was to learn. I read, I took notes, and I absorbed marvelous new things that I can now apply to myself and even my teenagers still at home. Learning without any guilt that I should be doing something else was really fun! Yeah for Wednesdays and Betty Meyers guilt-free ideas.

Next, my EC joined me for lunch and we had a great date nearby the library. I later checked in with the kids to see that schoolwork and dinner were handled and that the kids got to their church meeting, and then I again met my EC for another secret reaoundevuezcx. You know what I mean. (smiles) We went to dinner. Yes, two dates in one day, now is that a potential love affair or what?

To my surprise my EC gave me a wrapped gift at dinner. A note on top of the box read, "For ECs Only" followed by another note underneath that read, "Happy Anniversary". What a treat! Inside the box was the best part: my very own black Japa Mala beads! Real Tibetan Buddhist prayer beads made out of onyx. There are so beautiful. I am wearing them even now! I am not Buddhist, but these particular beads mean a lot to me. They represent Meditation, something I really want to learn how to do this year for my spiritual health. They represent Yoga. They represent a Quiet Soul, Being One with the Universe. Meditation will require a lot of work for me. My mind is never quiet. These beads will inspire me. Thanks EC!!! (I'm glad you've been reading my blog! smiles)

Looking forward to tomorrow! Health and Strength to us all!

362 Days to Go - Slow, But Sure

Routines? How does one even make them? Jeez! I heard somewhere that if you do something for 14 days in a row it will become a habit. Is that true of a routine?

This is the second day in a row that I rode my bicycle. It was fun. The sky was sunny. I only planned to ride for 30 minutes. I met my goal both days. So, 12 more days and I will have a routine? Help me out here.

As far as my housework "routine" following "The Creation Plan: Seven Days to Guilt-Free Homemaking", I definitely carried out plans for Tuesdays - Laundry. I did so much laundry today that just now at 11:00 p.m. I have finally put my last load into the washing machine. I wasn't able to wash three towels, so I put them back into the dirty clothes hamper guilt-free. They will get washed next Tuesday according to plan.

Yesterday was Monday - Organize and Clean. I actually liked that day. The only problem was that there was so much for me to organize and clean that I spent most of my time in the kitchen. I even moved my microwave to wipe beneath it, and I cleaned out my fridge. Who knows how long it has been since I have done either of those things. Today the trick was to maintain the work I did in the kitchen yesterday while I focused on laundry. As with others in the world, people live in my house with me. That means they make messes right behind me. Luckily, I was able to stay on top of all of that.

Tonight with some quiet time to myself, I baby-proofed our family room so that our eight-month-old granddaughter can roam freely within that confined area. She and her parents moved in with us a few days ago, and Nana (me) does not quite remember how many things little crawling babies find on the floor no matter how many times you vacuum. Our sweet little thing has found DVD's, books, and staples (?). Well, her mom and I found the staples first, but she could have found them without some cleaning let's just say.

I was proud of myself for having made the room, which is nice and large, baby friendly and family friendly since that is where we all spend most of our time. End result: It looks good. (smiles) ... and no babies will be strangled or electrocuted there in the near future. (smiles)

It sounds to me like I might be two days into a routine with my housework. There's hope yet.

As a note of heroism: Today I had a hard time getting going. I was feeling weighed down with burdens both real and unreal. I felt directionless even though I am starting my routines. How could that possibly make sense. So, I did what any Chief of Police in Gotham City would do in dire times: I sent out my Bat Signal. It shone high into the sky ... actually it shone brightly through a phone call to my EC's cell phone. "Can you please come home? I need you." From the other end, "I was just leaving for lunch. I'll be right there."  Wow! A hero and an EC. Who could ask for anything more?

He came gave me a much-needed hug and some counsel and went on his way. And I went on mine. (A trick: If you want something, ask for it.) Both of us left feeling happy and needed. This surely must meet a goal of mine somewhere, though it is not measurable and I don't know it's name. I do know it felt good.

363 Days to Go - Getting Organized

Do Not Judge This Book by its Cover! The book was written in 1983. The concepts still apply today, although I will NOT be wearing a flowing dress and nor twinkling my toes around my house while I do my work. (smiles) 

Ok, this is like Day 1 for me all over again. A new start, and for Heaven's sake where does one start on this venture of mine? At first I thought I must read and be totally somehow experience what Elizabeth Gilbert experienced, but in my home town of Mesa, Arizona. Well, guess what? That didn't work. No surprise there. Then I ventured into my own dreamlike state of just "being" in my goal. To me that means just finding things each day that I could use to move toward my goal, random things that were happening around me ... It was fun and rewarding, but truly did not require much work on my part. I would just see the lesson and apply it to my goals.

That experience was good for me, a pre-run let's say for the marathon that will better describe this coming year for me. As I have mentioned before, I sprint. That long-distance stuff is for better people than me. It is not my forte. One of my talents however, is to be organized ... well, at least I like to be organized and I appreciate it in other people. One thing I know about organized people is that they have structure. I understand people in general do well when they know what to expect and what the routines are.

I am such a free-spirit that structure for me would actually bring me peace and harmony. Is it possible to crave a routine like one would chocolate? Oh, my. I think I've hit on something. I want a routine. I need a routine. I crave a routine. ... Good, now that that true confession is out of my way, let's get started.

Today, I am going to read "The Creation Plan: A Seven-Day Approach to Guilt-Free Homemaking". I have read it before and it is a system that has worked for me in the past. I don't need to "create" something new to get organized with my housework, which is in sore need of attention after the holidays.

After reading it (Goal #1), I am going to apply the principles for Monday, incidentally a day for cleaning and organizing (Goal #2). One of the things I like about this book is that if you don't get something done on the assigned day, another Monday show up again next week. Since the work is only to be done on Mondays (as an example), then I don't have to worry about that particular chore again for a week. Tuesday will bring me a different chore to focus on.

Now, for me, this is structure. Does it get me to my ultimate goals listed above. You betcha! (smiles)

The New Year Has Come and Brought New Changes

With extra time to practice working on my goals, I have learned much. Now, I am panicking. Now, I really am into my year, my 365 days, of working toward a goal. I started out with specific goals. I have seen myself adjust them over time to something more real for me.

More simply put, during the next year I would like to:

1) Find Health and Strength for Me and my Family (Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually).

2) Have a Love Affair and Long-Lasting Friendship with my EC (Eternal Companion).

3) Be Available for My Children through their Triumphs and their Trials.

Today is our 4th Anniversary. My goal is to reach the above challenges by our 5th Anniversary on January 2, 2012. The trick I've decided, is to have sub-goals that are not only reachable, but measurable. So far during my trial period I've learned that as a whole I've been able to look at my goals as a new way of being - a way of being that works better for me than ways I have been before.

As an example, just by calling my husband my EC, my outlook toward him has changed dramatically. Now I am open to being his friend and his confidant when before that whole idea was very intimidating to me. Imagine how just changing a word can make such a difference.

I made some very specific goals when I started this blog. I will be changing them. They aren't what I am really looking for to reach the outcome I really want. I love Elizabeth Gilbert's desire to experience life, to experience all the world has to give. She ate, she prayed, and she loved. I desire that as well.

I simply can't afford to go around the world to learn these lessons, but Elizabeth has inspired me to find a way to see what it is that I want out of life. Some areas of my life already work fairly well. I love my children as an example, but I would like to see them more and/or find ways to support them better through their triumphs and their trials. Many of my children are grown, and I have been informed by some of them that they are glad I am nearby. Still with some teens at home, I definitely want to be available for them as well.

It will take me a little time to find out how to "measure" a goal and to find goals that are realistic for me. My earlier goals had a good look to them, but they need some serious tweeking.

I am excited about my new direction. I have one year to go... for real now, no more dreaming. Wish me luck.

364 days to go.