268 Days to Go - Can I Tell You Something More?

So, the conversation went like this:

ME:   "I am trying to tell you what I think just happened."
HIM: "I get it."

ME:   "But, I'm trying to tell you something else."

HIM: "I get it, you said [blah, blah, blah]."

ME:   "Can I tell you something more?"

HIM: "I get it! You said [blah, blah, blah]." 

ME:   "But, you don't seem to understand me. I am frustrated because I can't figure out
          how to tell you what I am thinking or you are misunderstanding what I am really
          saying. I feel incomplete in our communication."

Silent minutes pass.

HIM: "Can I tell you what I think you said?"

ME:   "Oh, I would love that!"

HIM: "I think you said [blah, blah, blah]."

ME:   "Oh, wonderful! You are 75% correct!"

HIM: "I am? That's great!"

ME:   "Can I fill in the extra 25% for you?"

HIM: "I would like that."

ME:   "I feel a pain in my heart because I think you have been helping me, but when you

           [blah, blah, blah], I can't [blah, blah, blah]. So, I get angry at you, but you aren't 

           doing anything wrong. You actually are helping me, but it would help me even 

           more if you could [blah, blah, blah]. That way I wouldn't feel [blah, blah, blah]."

HIM: "Oh, I didn't realize that was how you saw things. I think I understand now. You

          [blah, blah, blah] when I [blah, blah, blah]. So next time, I could [blah, blah, blah]."

ME:   "Yes. You are 85% there! Can I tell you about the other 15%?"

HIM: "Gladly."

Both smiling, the conversation continued for a few more minutes while I was able to safely talk about the deepest part, my surprise at how I was reacting to the topic of the original conversation and realizing that we had been in the same situation about that same topic many times before and that I did not, would not, recognize how deep my emotions were about it. I was subconsciously stuffing them away. It was not as he assumed because I was afraid of him or his reaction, it was because I have a pattern of stuffing emotions quickly away that hurt. I have stuffed things before, but in the past years I thought I always knew when I was doing it. This time my realization was a minor shock to me. I did not know I was stuffing something. It was important for me to deliver that message of surprise at myself to my husband. Would he understand? 

After a simple explanation of my surprise at myself, he really did get it. He repeated to me what I had just said with clarity. He understood!

Now, my communication was 100% complete with him. My frustration was heard. My concerns understood. A solution found. My surprise revealed. The potential stalemate had been abated. We were so proud of ourselves!

I am ever so grateful for a loving husband. He wants to communicate. I want to communicate. Sometimes, it is down right hard work. Ok, usually it is down right hard work if the topic has depth to it because we both are trying so hard to say things but our emotions are involved. We aren't taking the time to understand them for ourselves, let alone to convey them well or hear the other person's emotions. But boy, do we act emotional during those times. Yikes! Our defenses are so raised that our conversations  stalemate quickly. I wonder how many conversations we have had that stalemated at the high understanding of 75% of the conversation with each of us thinking the percentage was down around the 10% mark, and we felt like failures, one or both of us emotionally or physically leaving the conversation,  both us frustrated and unfulfilled.

What I am coming to see is that perhaps the last 25% or so of a conversation like that, an undelivered communication, maybe emotional, a scary word for many of us. If that is the case, no wonder defenses go up. Who readily admits their emotions might be standing in their way! It's easy to see when someone else's emotions are bugging you, but to see your own emotions taking over your conversation is enlightening. Admitting it is truly communicating. Doing that in a calm and considerate manner is result-producing. Now, that's communicating! Did each of you really hear the other person? Really? Good.

Mission accomplished: Communication at 100% Complete without Casualties. (smiles)