305 Days to Go - The Truth (AKA Words that Bind)

I will never be able to reach my goals if I don't come clean about something. For months now in this blog I have been talking around an important topic, which is not helping me move forward. To put it bluntly: I seem to be allergic to the words husband and marriage.

For a long time I have been struggling with the word "husband." And now, even the word "marriage" has become a road block for me. For clarity, I am married. Married to the most wonderful man. God brought us together four and a half years ago. I had divorced my first husband several years before that after a 21-year marriage filled with miscommunications and trauma. For me to remarry was not on my list of Things to Do - ever! Proving once again that I am not in charge, God orchestrated a move for me and my three youngest children out of state. Along with that, my meeting Mark. 

How is it that things that should be sweet are so difficult? Still raising the rest of my seven children, I was pretty busy. Mark had three teenage children of his own that he was raising. Combining our families was against all odds. This was definitely not reasonable to think about. Our kids meant everything to us, which was actually something that attracted us to each other. God stayed involved in our communications over the months and we decided it would just be best for our families if we got married so we could help all the kids at the same time instead of doing a Divide and Conquer type of parenting trying to support each other as parents as well.

Marriage brought with it a whole new bunch of problems that were unexpected. Due to my previous experiences with marriage, I grew afraid. The strong, brave Me started to question everything around me. My new husband was not "doing" anything to me but I was having an allergic reaction to him. Struggling through that was a huge joke! My kids needed me, not the weeping blob they were watching. As I realized that, I was able to get help. Previously diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) related to my first marriage and the challenges of mothering seven children through it, I found the perfect psychologist. We had all been hurt. Now with a new marriage, memories kept surfacing and I couldn't control their onslaught. It took insight and hard work with the love and support of a "husband." Do you see the same problem I see? ... Mark is the greatest man ever. He loves and supports my children in their dreams and goals and with his finances. His children are super wonderful. As a family we have a unique set of talents and abilities, the greatest of which is to love unconditionally. ... But, I am allergic to husbands!

When I started this blog, I had a hard time referring to Mark as my husband. We decided together that I would refer to him as My EC (Eternal Companion). This works so much better for me and consequently him as well, since I can blog more freely resulting in the progression of my goals.

Always on the Up Hill, Down Hill Road like everyone else, I've slid to the bottom again. Now last week it seems I am also allergic to the word "marriage." (Good Grief! Can my life get any more ridiculous?) So, a week ago I tell my sweet EC about it. I decide, "Let's be Housemates. Marriage isn't good for me." Now, before you get to concerned, I prefaced my thoughts with our united goals: We both love each other. We both want the best for our family, our children. We both want to be together forever. "However," I told him "I've been trying to think creatively about our situation." In the corner booth of the restaurant he and I were at, Mark commended me for "thinking outside the box." He understood. There was no resentment or frustration, only patience and love. The words husband and marriage somehow trapped me, and Mark didn't want to trap me too.

How is it that words have so much power? What we say. What we don't say. How we say. Which word we use. Insignificant by themselves, yet so powerful in the mind of both the sender and the receiver!

I want to just yell out to the Universe, "The truth is that I do have a husband. I am married. And, I will be Okay!" Maybe if I say it often enough, one day I will believe me.

Today I asked Mark if we could be "married" again. I've really missed him! He gladly agreed and gave me a much needed hug as we went out to dinner. (Hmmm. I wonder if this means I can stop paying him "rent" now? Words... what would we do without them?)