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An observation from the outside:
It seems so easy to offer help to others, but I don't help myself. Why? Oooooo. A deep psychological question for the day.
It's not that I can't help myself, but that I don't, or is it won't help myself.
Bring me a cut knee and I will wash it and bandage it. Tell me we are out of milk and I will buy it. When it rains, I bring my precious lawnmower onto the patio to protect it. Cry out to me and I will come.
Meditate, I won't. Yoga, I will read about. Food, I avoid. Socializing, I dread.
Give me an emergency. Give me blood. I am there until the work is done. Give me a house to clean or a meal to prepare. I am gone. Gone to the safety of my own little world called my head.
Have me run an office or a department, no problem. Have me run a household, and I am afraid.
Give me drama and I respond - positively or negatively, but I respond.
Analyzing me I do often and with actual success, yet I can only see me ... I can't operate me. I am like a robot at times. My off switch is usually is on auto-pilot. It functions at my own request, but at a level that I cannot access. Logically I could counsel me. Yet I ignore my own counsel.
Inevitably, I won't listen to myself. That, I'm told, is my subconscious mind refusing to be bullied by me. Sometimes I try to outsmart myself. I talk ever so kindly to me and give myself gentle helpful instruction. Many times I listen but wait. Wait for what? What profound thing am I waiting for?
Self-control? I am the robot. I am the creator. I am the controller, therefore I have "self-control".
Really? Do I refuse to help myself or am I somehow incapable of doing so? Do I have a missing microchip or a malfunction?
My conscious mind (logic) and subconscious mind (emotion) are clashing right now. A horrific battle has ensued. I am caught between two very powerful forces. My self-preservation has me bunkered down into the safety of inaction as the mortars fly overhead. The cost is deadly.
Our roles reverse from time to time. Sometimes we are the helpers. Sometimes we are the helped. Today I am begging for help! I am sure not listening to me! Dear Readers, please share any ideas with me that you may have. My strong will is still with me, but I feel like I am using it against me. Do you know how I can use it as a tool for my good?
Today I am really feeling my honesty leaking out of me, seeping like blood into the mud of my bunker. Posting on these blogs has given me a new way to see myself for who I really am. My bravery in exposing who I am to the readers who cross my way is intentional. You see, I am brave. I really am just confused. As I call out to you, perhaps you will reach out to me in my fear.
Knowing me and my confidence as I do, my "innards" mock me. They call me a fool. I rise up against them in this battle of might. It is not the outside world that I fear, it is me, so as I rise up and the new bullets whiz past my head, I myself duck in self-preservation. Really? Yes. My fear of me feels great.
Now I feel my true blood has been spilled.
I don't plan on bleeding out. Since I am good in emergencies, I will apply pressure to the wound and check out my resources. My adrenaline starts to pump as I drag myself through this embattled trench. I am not alone. There are friends here. Some shooting. Some moaning. Do they have the answers? They need help too. Will I stop to help them or will I help myself?
I don't plan on bleeding out. Since I am good in emergencies, I will apply pressure to the wound and check out my resources. My adrenaline starts to pump as I drag myself through this embattled trench. I am not alone. There are friends here. Some shooting. Some moaning. Do they have the answers? They need help too. Will I stop to help them or will I help myself?
True to form: Of course, I have stopped at the first of the wounded. I offer a sip of water, a word of comfort and a loving hand as he slips from life. My shooting will be of no value now as my strength waivers. I let the others do it. I crawl on. There are more cries, more lifeless bodies. I stop at each. As my own blood drains from me it goes unchecked. I will die tending those who will also die, and I will die happy knowing they were comforted at the end.
Thus, my conflict.
The airlines are clear about this situation. Put your air mask on before you put an air mask on your child. Translation: If you will not save your own life, how can you expect to be available to save someone else's?
In battle, I will die saving someone else, but I won't save me. I won't save me? No.
Oh my, a realization of my life has just flashed before me. Not one I like, but one that is true.
Dear Readers, I have done many hard things in my life. Oft times I was asked how I did the many things I did. I always answered: I do what I do because I know what I know.
Besides God, I know survival. You survive and you don't leave anyone behind. This is how I have lived. Somehow I have also learned that to survive I must ignore my own pain while I am tending to everyone else.
Now I don't need to survive and I don't know how to help myself. I've got the bandages. but I don't have the medics or their knowledge. Since the battlefield only has two players and they are both me, when I am wounded, I literally don't know what to do next.
Crashing into the sea in a plane would be easier for me to handle that the battle that has now started within me. At least in the plane I would know where the air mask is located.
This battle I will win. I know me. But, please if any of you have any advice as to the day-to-day mechanics of life, please give me a comment. I don't understand how to do day-to-day life if I don't have to survive anything. This stinks for me.
I really do have things to do. I just won't do them. And, no one can make me either. Great - I have things to do, and I am my biggest hinderance. Do you see what I am up against? Good Grief!
I wish I could say I have all the answers or even a quick fix for you but I'm afraid I don't. I often find myself in similar situations. My emotions trying to take control or even sabotage my life. Over the 6+ years we've been married your son has always tried to help me over come the obstacle of myself. :) The first thing that he's always told me that may apply is that it's your choice, example: if your feelin grumpy, defiant, sad, etc. It's in your power to choose the opposite to choose to be happy & productive. It's NOT easy but I can say the few times I've been able to actively recognize my emotions & choose to change them to have a better day I've noticed a greater peace & sense of accomplishment. Also, for me there are things that trigger my emotions having more control, lack of sleep, too much sugar, stress. If I can recognize these things & take a nap, eat a healthier meal or snack or even remind myself to breathe & give it to God then I am able to better control my emotions. I know that it is difficult to do this. But I also know that with Heavenly Father we can accomplish anything. I also know that the days I am actively consciously trying to be in control & choosing how I act & react I am a better wife (EC), mother, friend, etc. The saying that you can't give if you don't have anything in reserve is so true. Reaffirm to yourself even outloud that taking care of you first IS the best way to take care of your EC & family & friends. I hope that helps even in the smallest way. I love you! Keep it up. We will one day be perfected in Christ! :)
ReplyDeleteHi there Lauri, this is from one survivor to another.
ReplyDeleteFirst, when you are trying to reclaim your life you have to be patient. It isn't a matter of deciding that you don't like how it is going and instantly letting go of the old and moving on to the new.
Second, minimizing and simplifying although not what you would like, can keep you in the game until you are up to more. Some things are have tos. For example: eating, sleeping, and washing are three such items. You have to have clean clothes to choose from. You do not have to fold them and put them away. Clean clothes can just be put in a pile for people to draw from.
You have to give your body something to draw on. You have to put calories in, something with a certain level of nutritional value is always helpful. If all you can handle are liquids, there are plenty of protein drinks that have vitamins added to them. Some are milk based and some aren't. If your body doesn't have what it needs it will start shutting things down, but it decides what those will be not you.
Third, short bursts of focused energy can be more productive then long ones. When on low reserves, it is most effective to have everyone work together for 25 minutes getting things done around the house. (It is very draining to be surrounded by people who aren't contributing. However, getting cooperation for any longer length of time is often counter productive. If they know all they have to give is 25 minutes of their day, they tend to be more cooperative and helpful.) It is amazing what you can get done in 25 minutes when everyone is pitching in together on a daily basis.
Fourth, do not expect to go back to what you used to think of as you. Things like this change you. If all you do is try and get back to where you once were, you are going to be set back in being able to make progress. Accept that things have changed and then learn how you can work best with the current you. Over time it will improve, but it will be a somewhat different you, which isn't always necessarily all bad and can be a huge blessing in the end. (D&C 122:7)
Fifth, don't shut out the two most important people in your life, your Heavenly Father and your husband. It is ok to just talk out loud or silently to your Heavenly Father throughout your day. Believe me he has heard plenty from me. If you feel that you have to be in a praying position whenever you communicate with him you are shutting him out. Reading the scriptures can be a great way to have him communicate back to you. It is amazing the personal messages you can find tucked within the pages of your scriptures. As far as your husband goes, let him know that you love him and need him and that you are doing everything you know how to do to get back to him. I'm not always up to talking with Steve, but I can give him a hug. Husbands often want to fix things for us, but that isn't really possible. However, I gain a lot of strength and encouragement from him just holding me and saying he loves me. Simple thoughtful acts can go a long way on both sides.
Lastly, you can do this. It isn't fun, and it will take time. However, you aren't nearly as alone in this as you probably feel. Take a breath and try to relax. Then try and focus on what is right rather than what is wrong. Celebrating the positives can get you going in the right direction. Good luck and know there are a lot of people rooting for you.
Love you...Carla
I don't think that "emotion" is subconscious and "logic" is conscious. I think it's more heterogeneous than that. Emotion can definitely be conscious and logic can be subconscious.
ReplyDeleteLast year, Lynn and I went this friend of hers who led a Mindfulness/Interpersonal Effectiveness class. This is information on one of the handouts, regarding "Guidelines for Self-Respect Effectiveness: Keeping Your Respect for Yourself":
Be Fair: Be fair to yourself and to the other person.
No Apologies: No OVERLY apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive, for making a request at all. No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing. If appropriate, "own it" by apologizing.
Stick to Values: Stick to your own values. Don't sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren't very important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and "stick" to your guns.
Be Truthful: Don't lie, or act helpless when you are not, or exaggerate. Don't make up excuses. Patterns of dishonesty erode our self-respect.
All wonderful ideas, each unique in approach. Thank You for hearing my plea. My intellect can deal with these concrete things. My emotions, on the other hand, seem like ragamuffins running wild-haired in the streets. Your suggestions have given me ideas for the stability I am seeking.
ReplyDeleteToday at church I heard some help too: God knows more than all the good books out there when it comes to raising families. The books are good, but they are all there is. It reminded me of all the books I put on my Resource List, so many good books about so many good things. The truth is that they simply overwhelm me in number and concept. Perhaps today's message from church is: Just read the scriptures. At least until I am stronger.
DougB, I think that's the Truth. I may be brave, but I am weak for whatever reason right now as I transition from surviving to living. I really liked your idea of "Don't lie, or act helpless when you are not." ... and I love the No Apologies Rule!
Lacey and Carla, your counsel, too, is invaluable. I do choose my emotions, but most importantly, you have given me some step-by-steps. I didn't realize that I would become someone different when I am done. That concept is definitely something enpowering.
Dear Readers, we all have so much to contribute to each other. I am glad I asked for help. My Desperation is driving away my Pride. Please leave me a comment if anyone else has good experiences or advice to share. Enough people read my blog that I know others will benefit from my increasing honesty that life is hard and we all don't always know what to do to get by in it.
Correction: The books are good, but they are NOT all there is. (smiles)
ReplyDeleteLaurie...I love the way you so eloquently wrote what all women feel, have felt or will feel at some point or another in their lives. It is in our nature to nurture those in need. As you have started on this journey to improve your life and seek to do better Satan has watched you and will look for anyway to destroy you emotionally or spiritually. Remember through this you are not your enemy it is Satan. I know that you will win this battle not only because you are a strong and amazing woman but because God is on your side. The first step in changing something is recognizing it. It is hard to know where to start from there but we are given a promise "Ask and ye shall receive knock and it will be opened unto you" Put all your trust in God. He wants for you to be happy and have joy in this life and that means that you are taken care of physically emotionally and spiritually. The tools to do what you are looking for are there. The task ahead of you is not an easy one. There are a few tools that I have found so far to help us. One that I really like is a cd called My Dot People by Kirk Duncan. I think in there is the explanation of the why that you are asking...this is his facebook link you might find something that interests you there... http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=118889681458342&topic=164#!/group.php?gid=118889681458342&v=wall
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your posts thanks for sharing! Love you! You are so Amazing!!!! Love, Leasel