Day 22 - Cuddling

I am learning everyday how much my EC loves and cares for me. He is there for me when I am happy. He is there for me when I am sad. We are a team. I help him and he helps me. I love him and he loves me. Without each other, we are missing something. Our days don't run as smoothly and our thoughts wander. We don't need to be side by side, but we have learned to appreciate the fact that we are "one".

This means to me that when my EC hurts, I hurt. I want to make the world a better place for him. We enjoy working together on projects even though our approaches are generally different. We enjoy accomplishing those things that are difficult together. We love our children and want to serve and guide them.

As I have seen extraordinary challenges come to my EC, I have also seen my EC come to my aide in my times of distress. Today I had a particularly difficult day, and true to form he thought of some small bit of pleasure to cheer me. Today, he bought us macadamia nuts. Mmmmm.

I love this picture I posted today. Though I am definitely a dog lover on the outside, I am definitely a cat on the inside. Find me a sunny window and I will lie in front of it and sleep just to prove my point. I have even been found sleeping in the heat of the windshield of my car as I closed my eyes in peace for "just a moment". Cats are independent and picky. They let you know when they are interested whether its in food or for playing. They love to play on their terms but then just as contentedly return to leisurely stroll off to more important things ... like napping.

We have a cat that has adopted us. We are his people. He lives outside and his name is Moe. He loves Mark and really has no interest in me. He even expresses dismay when I get out of the driver's seat of our car instead of Mark, the favored one. Now, granted Mark is his Sugar Daddy, ever ready to fill Moe's food dish on the back porch, even escorting Moe through this daily ritual. Moe loves Mark, and I believe Mark loves Moe. At least I know Mark would be sad if Moe left us.

That is how I feel about Mark. I don't need or want his constant attention. I am a busy and independent woman after all. But if my daily ritual of being escorted to my daily fare of love and support was to be interrupted, I would greatly be affected. Not that I need the sustenance, but that I need my EC. I love talking with him. I am growing more and more appreciative of his insights. (This has taken almost 4 years.) I love being near him and hearing him breathe as he holds me close. I love his protecting arms around me. I love his sincerity ... and his questioning nature. I love his genuine concern for our family and our well-being. He is a good dad. He is a good EC. And, he makes me so happy!

My desire is to care for my EC as well as he cares for me. I am pleased at the discoveries I am making along this pathway. I never knew a companionship was so special. Thank you for teaching me this, my wonderfully patient EC. Your motives may have self-interests in them, but the rewards we are both reaping are immeasurable.

Hey, can we be cats together in our next life?? If not, can we just practice hanging together like those cats in the picture?

EC, I love you more each day.

Thanks for telling me with words as well as actions that you love me too.

377 days to go.

Days 18-21 - Road Hazards

Ok. So, I picked the right road, one that headed toward my goals. So what happened? Why am I four days later wondering what just happened? As I look back over the past few days much has happened in my life. Mostly, though, I happened to me. Something I wrote in my last post unnerved me so much that I almost immediately removed it from my blog and all traces to it through my other blogs and my FaceBook. Why?

The answer is quite simple: It exposed me too much. It was uncomfortable. My psyche says, "Run. Hide." when this feeling comes up. So that's exactly what I did. I didn't even realize I was "gone" for so long. My life continued on. My desire to reach my goals continued on. ... but my ability to be accountable to "the outside world" shut down. I still talked with my EC and we continued to raise our family and meet their needs. Still I wonder, What happened to me?

My first goal is to Find Health and Strength. It seems to me that along the road to that goal I came across a road hazard this week. At first I was alarmed by it. I hadn't met my daily accountability of reporting by blog what I was learning. As I write now, however, I realize that as long as I am on the road and facing the right direction, I am still headed toward my goal.

Therefore, if writing (blogging) became alarming to me and yet I write today, I win! Not only am I on the road to Health and Strength, but today I took a step forward! How, you may ask?

I decided to review the post I wrote for Day 16. I removed what concerned me but was able to keep the concept I was trying to relay. I feel good about that post. I feel good about the decision that prompted that post. I also learned that I would one day feel like writing again.  Today was the day! This is a big thing to me.

I am happy with this lesson.

Bring it on Road Hazards and Opposition out there! I can overcome you.
I did today, and I will again.

378 days to go.

Day 17 - Where Am I Going?

It doesn't really matter which road I take if I don't know where I'm going according to the Cheshire Cat from "Alice in Wonderland". If I stay with my goals, the decisions at these crossroads should be simple to make. Does taking this or that path get me closer to my goals or not?

Well, this simplistic concept left me today. I was at a crossroad. Why second-guess myself?  I do know where I'm going. My goals dictate my choice. For all things to be harmonious, I must be on the road to my goals. There I will find joy and contentment. There I will find success.

Ah Hah Moment - If I don't keep my priorities straight, I won't get what I want:
1. Health & Strength (physically, mentally and spiritually) for Me & My Family

2. A Love Affair and Long-Lasting Friendship with my EC


I really like how I have redefined these goals. I will add these to the top of my blog.

"No other success can compensate for failure in the home." -David O. McKay

382 days to go.

Day 16 - A Time for Reflection

I been thinking. (Yes, it hurt.) Is thinking long and hard about something meditating? Meditation is part of my 2nd goal: Pray. Still something to study, I am contented for the time to just sit and think. (smiles)

I have lived for almost 50 years. I am older than some trees and some buildings. I am older than I could have imagined back when I was a child. The first death I remember was my grandmother's. She died when I was 18. She was 54, I think. It's just weird. That's all.

Is there a list of things I should have done before I go this old? "Should of" and "could of" are words of the past. No use wasting time on them. So, what will I do with the future? At the rate we keep people alive in the 21st century, I will most likely be alive for another 50 years. Since that's the case, I'm glad there's not a Mid-Term! Can you imagine being 100 years old?

With the whole of possibilities in front of me, what will I choose to do?

Hmmm. I wonder what will I reflect on when I'm 100.

383 days to go.

Day 15 - Some Unexpected Stretching

A rubber band is not quite what I wanted to be when I grew up; however, it is increasingly an option.

For me a theme last night was "stretching". How could that possibly fit into my goals for this year? It certainly was important - I could sense that. Hmmm. My goals are Eat, Pray, Love ... and Stretch?

Last night I took my EC aside and told him my true confession: I had just done something that I've been avoiding for many years. I opened myself up to a world of friends through my FaceBook. That in and of itself was scary to me. I had kept my FaceBook off limits, from me and from others. I started it. I played FarmTown on it. I added pictures of my kids. I even said I had remarried. Then I emotionally shut it down. I didn't post things there anymore. I didn't respond to requests or comments. I eventually neatly cleared all of my crops off FarmTown and packed up my farm. Today it is still standing there ready to plant. I suppose it may need to be weeded but that is to be expected with such a lapse in time. I was on FaceBook, but I wasn't on FaceBook.

Everyone else could use FaceBook so easily, but not me. Why?

To me, I wasn't ready. This was direct exposure, plain and simple. It exposed me! My Life, My Family, My World. I was afraid of it and connecting to my friends. I was afraid of them connecting with me. ... and yet they were my friends. Something was wrong with this picture. Friends support each other. I found myself in a position where I chose to disconnect with my friends, from supporting them and from them supporting me. Strangest of all, many were my dear, dear friends.

Days and weeks went by. Months went by. Years went by. My disconnections were almost complete. In a subconscious way all that I was familiar with faded away. Friends from my childhood and adulthood. I love my friends but I had become incapable of being available to them. Sad. And sadder yet, I didn't realize this was happening.

What was driving that? I had been doing it since childhood. I was doing it now to my EC. I didn't understand.

Surprised that I had decided to get involved with my FaceBook again (see my friends), I wanted to look back at the path that took me there. Today as I reviewed it I saw something interesting.

I saw a journey:

Recently I started to blog. First as a dare from my younger brother who had started a blog of his own to chronical his recently diagnosed colon cancer. As I did this, I wrote about things I was learning as each day became an adventure of observation to me. I enjoy writng, and I enjoy learning. Putting the two together was a fun hobby. That was harmless. No one knew I blogged except my family.

Later I created a blog about my health as it had become a topic of conversation among my family members and I grew tired of repeating the data from my doctors. Each time I wrote, I began to just be myself. This writing I noticed was somewhat different in mood from my other blog which was primarily composed of small essays.

Each time I wrote however, I exposed myself through my writing. It became more comfortable daily, especially as I bantered back and forth with my brother on his blog, and he on mine. Soon I saw that I was absolutely okay with what was I writing. There was no need to excuse or explain anything. It was what it was. And, it was me - happy, playful, serious, frustrated, prayful. Just me. 

Then, at my grandmother's funeral this past November, I was asked to create a family blog, which I also did. I enjoyed it and my family participated in adding to that blog, especially my dad. All was accomplished. This time my exposure to the world was different. This time I came in as the teacher of sorts. I was way out there in the universe now as my family looked to me for counsel about our new blog. I was a "blogger" now.

Finally, we jump forward a bit. After watching "Julie and Julia" I knew what I need to do next. My EC and I had also recently seen "Eat, Pray, Love" and ideas were forming in my head quicker than I could write them down. I would create a challenge for myself. I would take a year like Julie Powell did in "Julie and Julia" but I would incorporate goals from "Eat, Pray, Love", meeting my own specific needs. To do this I wanted accountability. Thus, another blog. A medium I had come to know and love.

In truth, blogging was a format that exposed me more each day - now I was even putting my name boldly on each blog. Now that was a stretch! My decision to go onto my FaceBook two nights ago after years of avoidance was another stretch! I answered many friend requests. I don't how long they had been there. I also sought out friends. Really?? Some more stretching was had.

My third goal this year is to Love and Care for my EC. I cannot do this well without being open, completely open. The stretch here is that if I can learn to reconnect with friends who I've known for a long time, then I would be "open" to them or available to them. If I could do that, I could learn to be open or available to my EC, who I have not known as long. 

What I didn't know was that as I desired to be closer to my EC, the Lord opened up the doors for an experience I didn't expect. Just by being willing, I stretched also toward my friends. I have missed them. We have shared good times and sad times together. Time and Distance does not change that.

My friends, I love you. I always have. May your lives be happy and full as mine is.

EC, I love you, I always have. May your life be happy and full too.

I am a rubber band. I think we all are.

May I stretch and stretch and stretch to a capacity of love and availability for those who have so greatly affected my life for good. As I start with my EC, may I also include my friends. I would not be the person I am today without all of you! I thank you. And, I thank God for today's insight.

Hey, does this count as meditating???!

384 days to go.

Day 14 - Soaking it Up

I'm the pink one. Which one are you?

A sponge is fascinating to watch at work. It quickly absorbs liquids around it. I'm still reading Eat, Pray, Love and after finishing reading about Elizabeth's adventures in Italy, I have come to the conclusion that she was like a sponge.  She quickly absorbed the language and the pleasure around her. She admittedly had a difficult time at first. Even sponges can't be forced to work. There is a natural process to them. I believe learning is like that too. Once Elizabeth was ready, she learned, she absorbed.

I think true learning is not forced, but experienced.

Finally, Elizabeth experienced Italy and her goal was accomplished.

The experiences that I am soaking up each day fit with my goals in ways I never could have imagined. They are delightful. They are difficult. And they are mine.

One thing I have definitely learned on this journey is that,one more time I AM NOT IN CHARGE. This doesn't mean I don't have to make a plan of action, but it does mean that I grow best when I take advantage of the opportunities that come to me throughout the day, dismissing nothing, applying everything. How do these experiences get me toward the goals I'm working on this year?

I have decided that as long as I am on the right road, facing the right direction, taking one baby step at a time, I will eventually get to the right place. It seems like everyday I get closer and closer to my goals even when I'm not specifically working on a predetermined step.

I guess what I'm discovering is that I will be more fulfilled as I accomplish my set goals and as I experience what goes on around me, applying that to my goals. (smiles)

385 days to go.

Days 11-13 - Home From the Hospital (or It Was Such a Pain!)

Visceral Sensitivity.

That's what the doctors say.

Since they really don't know,

That's what they guess today.

After being hospitalized for four days I learned that Visceral Sensitivity is related to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a condition I have suffered from for over nine years. Visceral Sensitivity is a condition in which the sensitivity of my digestive system is so heightened that what may be no problem to one person may be extremely painful for me (i.e., a gurgle in my stomach). The problem was that every time I ate or drank my guts hurt, sometimes very badly. After having every known test over the past three months and after having lost almost 40 pounds (6 pounds since Saturday - one every day for six days), the doctors in perplexion called my psychologist who specializes in PTSD. The question was: Could I have visceral sensitivity from my PTSD? The answer: Yes.

Am I now physically manifesting that which my brain either thinks I handled or which my brain "took care of" for me by stuffing it in a box? Apparently there is a physical condition for broken guts that relates to this kind of "stress".

Basically this means that for some period of unknown time I will need to have constant pain medication and anti-nausea medication (yes, 24/7) so that I can eat. My pain is so intense that I was hospitalized for it Tuesday morning with a number 9 pain in my abdominal area. It was so acute, that with a high lipase level in my blood I was first diagnosed with pancreatitis. The next morning the diagnosis was changed to Unknown when my lipase level returned to normal. For those of you familiar with pancreatitis, my amylase level had always been normal, which was unusual for a pancreatitis diagnosis.

My pain was real, but it had been for months. I simply couldn't eat no matter what kind of food I ate or drink I drank. They all hurt me. Water was my only comfort food. The plan now is to stay on the pain and anti-nausea meds until ... who knows and to eat anything I can so that I can get some nourishment into me. Luckily my vitamin levels were all normal on my labs and I was not dehydrated though the IV was a good boost for my system. In the past three months IVs have been revitalizing for me I have found.

Now that I am home, I nibble still here and there, but I hurt, even when I "time" my eating with my pain meds. Hopefully, if this is the diagnosis that describes my condition, we will see some relief eventually from this med routine. If not, I will be sent to the Mayo Clinic for their opinion of what's going on. At this time, Visceral Sensitivity (which is like Irritable Bowel Syndrome without the complications of change in bowel movements) resonates with my psychologist. He has know me for four years and is an advocate and supporter for me.

I have done well under his tutelage. My mind is working on solving mysteries constantly regarding where various emotions I have came from and how to use them to my advantage. I have even surprised my doctor with tools I have come up with to see into my subconsciousness. I am constantly caught unaware of the meanings I have given situations over the years. I am truly grateful for the relief I have found by acknowledging and accepting my emotions as my own creations. Since they are me, I can make plans to help their needs. Now that I know they are there, I can do something about them. It has been so rewarding.

Along with my doctors at the hospital, I also spoke to my psychologist, who kindly spoke to us from Florida where he is for a conference. He asked me to consider that my subconscious seems to be responding to some kind of "terror". He asked me to draw it. I couldn't, but interestingly enough I could write it. I created a PowerPoint called "Fear" to show me what I was protecting myself from. Often when I write I find out what I have been thinking in my subconscious mind. It is a journey of discovery. The doctor, being aware of this, assigned me not to write, but to draw. This is still an assignment I need to do; it actually is scary to me. The drawing assignment is scary to me? Again, another interesting thing to me since I have learned so many new things in my resent observations. Why am I scared? What's so dramatic now? Good Grief!

Well, writing is comfortable to me, so I wrote. As usual, the PowerPoint's content was definitely a surprise to me. It introduced things to me that I thought were resolved. It started dark and powerless and ended up with light and empowerment. It confused me. Mark, my EC, suggested that the symbolism within the PowerPoint was accurate for the past, but not accurate now. I agreed. Why would I still have it rising to the top of my consciousness? I "cleared" that information long ago.

Mark reminded me that I recently had made a decision and acted upon something that was completely opposite of how I had previously felt about something difficult in my life. After that experience, I actually had a very dramatic nightmare. (It's interesting that I chose the word "dramatic" to describe) the dream. Mark and I worked together during the dream (literally) changing the dream with our own scenarios as it went along. It worked very well. What started out badly, ended rather nicely. Everything was wrapped up with a neat little bow. (You should try it sometime. It is actually a fascinating adventure changing a dream as it is happening.)

Anyway, the dream addressed this very thing that I had already worked out, I thought. I was at peace with it, I thought. I was ready to heal it, I thought. Well, apparently that time has not really come for me. My body seems to be rejecting the concept. Bummer. Well, hopefully then the day will come when I will be ready for all things.

Is this one of those things where the Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak?

This may or may not explain why I can't eat without pain, but it is eye-opening for me. This is also not the first stressful thing I have experienced recently. I refer you to Day 5 - Can You Spell D-E-N-I-A-L? After reading this you will see that I am actually surprised that I am willing use the word "stress" as I have been writing this blog today.

I am not stressed! Oh, please!

For reasons not to get into here, the word "stress" is difficult for me. I now know, however, that it is what it is: pressure. I have it like everyone else. What I do with that pressure is up to me. I choose. I don't need to be alarmed by the concept of stress.

In a way I feel like I'm at a 12-step program: "Hi, my name is Lauri and I have PTSD, a broken gut, and stress." Everyone in the circle claps for me. "I've been clean for one day." Another round of clapping.

May I learn to accept my challenges and grow from them. (This time I clap too.)

386 days to go.

Day 10 - Simplicity

My goal today: Be gentle and kind while I feel yucky.

389 days to go.

Day 9 - A Trip to the E.R.

I am writing from my hospital bed. Yesterday I was diagnosed with Acute Pancreatitis. I think this means that I get to rest and do nothing. I don't know if I can do it as well as the Italians, but I will try.

In the back of my head I hear a little voice. It is Yoda from Star Wars saying: Do or Do Not. There is No Try.

With that then, all I can say is that I will be resting (Yeah) and reading (Yeah). So, I see that my goals can continue on even in unexpected circumstances. I will be here probably until Friday. (Today is Tuesday.) I am in a room by myself and it is quiet. (smiles)

390 days to go.

Day 8 - The Beauty of Doing Nothing?

In Chapter 21 Elizabeth discovers that "Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure."

She goes on to say the following:

Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring at the TV in a mild coma (which is the opposite of working, yes, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure). Americans really don't know how to do nothing. This is the cause of that great American stereotype - the overstressed executive who goes on vacation, but who cannot relax.

I once asked Luca Spaghetti if Italians on vacation have the same problem. He laughed so hard he nearly  drove his motorbike into a fountain.

"Oh, no!" he said. "We are the masters of il bel far niente."

This is a sweet expression. Il bel far niente means the beauty of doing nothing.

Elizabeth admits that though Italians are hard workers they also understand this concept differently that we, Americans, do. Follow with me as I read on about Elizabeth's impression of this Italian way of thinking:

The beauty of doing nothing is the goal of all your work, the final accomplishment for which you are most highly congratulated. The more exquisetely you and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's acheivements. You don't necessarily need to be rich in order to experience this, either. There's another wonderful Italian expression: l'arte d'arrangiarsi - the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this, not only the rich.

She is in Italy to learn the art of pleasure, to experience it ...

Then, Elizabeth gets to the punchline:

While the Italians have given me full permission to enjoy myself, I still can't quite let go. During my first few weeks in Italy, all my Protestant synapses were zinging in distress, looking for a task. I wanted to take on pleasure like a homework assignment, or a giant science fair project. I pondered such a question as, How is pleasure most efficiently maximized?" I wondered if I should spend all my time in Italy in the library, doing research on the history of pleasure ... and then writing a report on this topic ... When I realized that the only question at hand was, "How do I define pleasure?" ... in a country where people would permit me to explore that question freely, everything changed. Everything became delicious ... What would you like to do today, Liz? ... Happiness inhabited my every molecule.

These observations and experiences so describe me! Remember, I'm not stressed?!! What would it be like to really enjoy doing nothing? My brain cannot even fathom this idea. I have much to learn.

So, here's to me: Il bel far niete! May I also learn to raise my life's acheivement.

Hey, wait a minute, I think I may have had a preview yesterday of something much, much bigger than merely exercising. I rode my bicycle with my EC, the first in many, many months. The goal was to just go for a little bit to stretch out my legs. At my EC's encouragement, I went. I only lasted about 20 minutes. But it was a start.

But let's explore this for a minute. I didn't ride just any old bike, I rode my brand new, most beautifully colored creamy light blue and white beach cruiser. First, my EC and I washed my bike off so she'd feel better after standing on the back porch unused for so many months. Then, my EC attached my really super cool, white metal mesh basket that I bought long ago and set on my desk, of course, to the handlebars. I got us water bottles and we were ready to go. I was excited about the adventure. It was a gorgeous sunny day. We meandered through the neighborhoods. The wind blew threw my hair.

I love the wind blowing through my hair as I ride. I loved riding my bike! I always have! We bought this particular bike for me because she called out to me with peace and serenity. Her color is really significant to me. She represents water and clouds. I love the water. I love the beach. I love the puffy white clouds. I love the sunshine. I love my bike!

I think I am beginning to understand: Could it be that I was practicing il bel far niete?

Wow! I think I'd like to ride again today. Are you coming EC? (smiles)

391 days to go.

Day 7 - Being with God

Today I tried to meditate again for 15 minutes. I tried to picture being with God. Listening to Him talk so peaceably, so gently. Watching as others joined us to listen to His counsel. I looked around. There was green grass, no clouds. He sat among us and taught us. This was not a time for harsh words. I realized that I could feel His presence. It was warmth. It was strength. It was calm.

I decided I would like to be like Him when I grow up.

I don't know if I really meditated or not, but I felt good when I was done. I think that is a baby step. (smiles)

PS: I just bought Julie and Julia: A Year of Cooking Dangerously by Julie Powell. I am very excited about reading it. I would like to write to Julie too. She and Elizabeth have really helped me stretch my goal-setting abilities.

392 days to go.

Day 6 - Oh, The Possibilities!

It is amazing how just being open to the possibility of reaching my goal has brought so many new unlocked doors to me. Yesterday I planned to do one thing but found out "the Universe" had other plans for me.  I had some wonderful experiences.

1. I was super brave and wrote to Elizabeth Gilbert on her Facebook. I quickly just did a cut and paste of my wish to talk to her from Day 3 and pushed the send button. I soon realized that it didn't all paste in so I had to send a 2nd post with the whole clip ... again I hurried and pushed the send button. At least this way she knows I am writing this blog so if I am offending her in anyway or doing anything illegal with her work, she will tell me. One thing off my worry list. Yeah.
2. I met with a friend and we ended up becoming Accountability Partners for one of my goals regarding loving and caring for my EC. She had a similar goal and so we each set a goal just for the coming week and we are going to meet next Friday to see how we each did. We even planned treats if we reach our goals. Mine is a small chocolate cream pie from my favorite little local restaurant. Hers is a treat from Starbucks. (smiles)
3. I actually tried to meditate while I was at my physical therapy yesterday afternoon. There is a quiet period when I am hooked up to a electronic muscle stimulator for 15 minutes. I usually choose to lie quietly in a dark room and sleep during that time. Yesterday I chose the dark room again, but no sleeping. I tried to meditate. What do you meditate about? I wondered. I tried to just focus on a sound or a picture of a beach or a circle. Nothing. I don't know how to meditate. Finally I tried to just listen to the beat of the Christmas music I was hearing over the office speakers. Boom. Boom. Bah, Bah, Bah. Boom. Over and over I focused on the beat, not the melody. I think I meditated a little. ??? Note to self: Learn how to meditate.
4. Lastly, I had the most delightful visit with my EC last night. We went on a date! We used to go every weekend, but for the past several months I have been too ill for go out. We had a great time. We talked about dreams and goals and other fun stuff. It was super!

393 days to go.

Day 5 - Can you Spell D-E-N-I-A-L?

I am excited for this new day. As a note of interest, a big reason that I want to learn how to eat more healthily is that right now I can't eat very much period. The doctors don't know why, but my guts just hurt. My usual diet is a gluten-free waffle and water. Yeah! I talked to my new dietician yesterday. I was referred to her by my doctor. Apparently we are having insurance issues so I will be calling the insurance today myself to see what we need to do the expedite some help for me. (FYI: I have been tested for months and have now four specialists, and the gist is that I have lost 30 pounds over an eight week period without trying and yeah, I finally plateaued. No answers yet, still waiting on some new labs. The problem is: what can I eat?) Now, back to my day.

I decided to be more adventurous today. I had an egg and applesauce with my toaster gluten-free waffle with water for breakfast. I got the egg down and half of the waffle with applesauce on top. No room for the water yet. We'll see how that goes. (smiles)

My excitement today comes from the structure that my challenge has provided me. Usually I am already at work and busy, busy, busy. I have always been a trouble shooter in the offices that I have worked in. Administration also comes easy to me. I had to stop working September 1, 2010 because of my broken gut. Though I am now much improved (and no one knows why), I have not been back to work.

After talking with my EC I decided that it would be best for me to stay home taking care of myself and my family more. I love them all so this is going to be a "stress-free" job, unlike others I have been involved with. My EC supports me in this, which greatly increases the possibility of my success.

The doctors are considering stress as a factor in my ailments right now. Me? Stressed? Are you kidding me? My latest doctor asked me what had happened when I first got sick.

"I started throwing up and my guts were killing me."

"No, what happened?"

"I couldn't go to work and I was the supervisor!"

"No, what was happening during that time in the Universe?"

"Oh. Well, my younger brother, who I am very close to was diagnosed with colon cancer. My dad was scheduled for heart surgery. My 18-year-old son was scheduled for hip surgery and I didn't have enough money to pay the surgeon up front so I had to postpone the hip surgery a bit - not to mention that the surgery alone was my son's third surgery in two years. My grandmother was dying, and actually did within a few weeks, not to mention the fact that I was in the process of writing lay-offs for thousands of people and I was soon to be one of them as our business was coming to a close with myself and about five others left to literally close down and pack up the office during the next two weeks, and this of course, meant daily good-byes to some really great people that I would probably never see again and that I would be out of a job."

"So, you were stressed."

"No, I wasn't. Look at me. I am a happy person. I am not stressed. And, I wasn't stressed then."

"Yes, you were stressed. Anybody would have been stressed with just one of those events."

"Oh, bummer. Maybe we do have a problem then. Let me tell you what happened today. It will prove it. Do you see how I look right now: happy, peaceful?"

"Yes."

"A few days ago a friend of mine from work called me and needed to talk. I went over to her house to visit her because her best friend in the world, her room mate had just died from a seizure at home and my friend came home and found her dead. It was needless-to-say very traumatic. As my friend was telling me about it she drank beers and smoked continuously for the three hours I was there. She was a wreck. She asked me to sit beside her at the funeral on the front row two days later. (This was one of my employees. Having an awkward start with her due to her nervousness, I was advised to be patient with her. I was, and I grew to love her over our time together. She was my friend.) Now to today: I went to the funeral this morning to sit with her on the front row as I had promised. The problem was that my friend was not there. I was told as I entered the church building that my friend had died the night before. She had killed herself. I was in shock but recovered quickly. I "became" her at the funeral and sat on the front row as I had promised her I would. I did not know the girl who's funeral it was, nor did I know the family I sat with. And, the truth? I did not care. I was with my friend just like I said I would be. (Another truth? I was so sad that my friend was dead! Look at me. I have just come from the funeral. I am not crying. I have not all morning. ... and, I am not stressed. I am happy and peaceful and together.)"

"Right."

"Do you think we have a problem? Could I be in serious denial about things that should be stressful?"

"Yes."

"Great."

"Let's see if one of your glands isn't working," said my rheumatologist.

Can anyone say this girl needs to pray and meditate? How about she needs to slow down and feel the world as it goes by? Or maybe her intensity needs recess? Maybe this girl just needs to admit that it's time to do something different because that way of being just doesn't work. Good grief.

After thinking long and hard about why I won't admit that I might be stressed I came up with the following: My experiences in life have taught me that people who are stressed hurt others. This means that I cannot possibly be "stressed" because I, too, might hurt someone. (Pretty heavy responsibility.)

Luckily I have vision, even if I am in denial. Seeing what I really am doing has been eye-opening. (Excuse the pun.) It has been liberating. The truth was that I was stressed and I was hurting people, even if was only in small ways. Denial couldn't spare me from that. Recognizing stressful situations now has been a new insight to me. I still have a hard time with that word "stress" so I don't like to use it to refer to myself, but I am at least acknowledging that things make me sad or worried or angry or frightened, etc.

Ok, ok, so I was sad and worried about some stuff. So, I should get a hurting gut from that? According to my doctors that would be a big fat YES. Fine, I say.

I realize now that denial is the highest form death by starvation. Let's not try that again, even if it is unintentional. Guess what else I discovered? I don't have to run the world. God's already doing that job. (smiles)

This is why I am so excited for today's classwork. Today I am assigned only two things: Call the insurance about the dietician and Read Eat, Pray, Love - oh yeah, and do all the tons of laundry that didn't get done yesterday. No worries here. This is a relaxing kind of day. (smiles)

Hey, did I mention that my sweet little brother (48) has been in colon cancer surgery since 6:00 this morning?

Can you spell D-E-N-I-A-L?

394 days to go.

Day 4 - Japa Malas

These particular black beads really appeal to me. Click on this link (www.buddhistmala.com) to read about them. Can you tell why they call to me? Well, maybe you should read my post first. (smiles)

I was curious about the japa malas that Elizabeth talked about in the Introduction of her book. She said, "They have been used in India for centuries to assist devout Hindus and Buddists in staying focused during prayerful meditation." I looked it up on the Internet. I found a site that I liked which I posted on my sidebar. The black onyx prayer beads really called to me as I looked through the wide variety of stones that are used, each representing something different. According to this website "The black stone in the Feng Shui tradition is considered 'Yin' and is folklored to help with emotional protection and increased power. It is associated with the root 'chakra' and can be grounding." Balance and grounding is definitely something I would like to have. To me, the symbolism behind the japa malas touches my soul. Maybe one day I will get one. Maybe I will get that one in the picture. (smiles) That would be cool.

Having started this challenge has already been so beneficial to me ... and my family. We have been having a lot of fun experimenting with different ideas. I am much more calm, more focused and more helpful.

As far as today's "class" I have had a fun time. I structured it a little differently than my class schedule was set so, let's call it a field trip day. Today I took what I have been learning and applied on an errand run. I picked up a woman that I help at church and we toured the town picking things up and dropping things off. What a delightful afternoon it was. There was peace and love in it.

Tonight I got to spend some time with three of my daughters. I loved that as well. Afterward, my EC and I talked about his day. It is so nice to not be rushing from one thing to the next! It is wondrous to just enjoy each moment as it was here. My day was structured, but I enjoyed it. I lived it.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to real class time. At this stage in the game that means read, read, read, and lots of laundry. In Eat, Pray, Love I am on Chapter 16.

Maybe tomorrow I will write to Elizabeth. ???

395 days to go.

Day 3 - I Want a Chance to Thank Her

Today was a surprise. I slept until 4:00 p.m. Yes, exactly. I slept all day long! My conclusion? That sprinting of mine has caught up to me. During the past four days I have probably slept an average of 3 hours per night. By last night my body was in serious rebellion. In the middle of the night I finally decided to satisfy its twitching insanity with two Tylenol and a muscle relaxant. End result ... a late start on my day is better than a No Show.  One more time, I am glad I know the teacher for this course! (smiles)

Last night I had the most fun sharing my blog with my EC. I was a little nervous when he read the part of Day 1 that said he totally was backing my project. Was he really backing it or was that part of a fantasy? Whew! He thought for a moment and he told me that he backed me and if he backed me then that meant he also backed my project. What a rewarding comment. I love him. Now you see why it is so important for me to learn how to take care of him and value his opinions. Though I love him, showing that has been difficult for me. I think I just don't really know how to. Either that or ... I just haven't wanted to take care of him. Both are somewhat true due to some unfortunate experiences I have had in this area. So my EC should suffer for that? Humbly I say, "No." Please God teach me to let this man into my life. He says he's not going anywhere, but why tempt fate? Of all of the goals I chose, this one will be the most challenging and I think the most valuable.

As a report on my efforts: I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love for the first time and I'm sure not the last. I love, love, love reading it! Elizabeth, you have such an amazing gift of writing! You are both serious and funny at that same time. I sorrow for you and rejoice with you. You have an amazing way of now looking back at hard and difficult things and opening yourself up to the world to explore with us real emotions, real life struggles, and real life success.

As I was reading in bed last night, my husband was reading something beside me. I would snicker under my breath so as not to disturb him. As I did this I realized I really wanted to share something with him that was resonating with me. He agreed and I read him a piece. I couldn't stop laughing as I read it. It was so me. Right there in Liz's book! (Can I call you Liz?) In Chapter 5, she wrote "Imagine his surprise to discover that the happiest, most confident woman he'd ever met was actually - when you got her alone - a murky hole of bottomless grief." Boy, did we laugh over that! My sweet EC married me almost four years ago and guess what he found? Yep, two me's! Yikes!

I also liked when in that same chapter Elizabeth described herself "even under the best of circumstances, given that I am the planet's most affectionate life-form (something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle)." Boy, was I laughing then! That also described me.

My EC really enjoyed me reading to him from the book. Fond memories of his own enjoyment of reading were perhaps returning. He expressed his happiness at my desire to read it. Jeez, I say, "Why did I wait so long to try it?" Can anybody say Green Eggs and Ham? Well, after some persuasion, I like it. I like Green Eggs and Ham. OK? (smiles) Maybe it just had to be my own idea. Seriously, am I really so stubborn? But I digress.

I am now into Chapter 12. Elizabeth has just now finally found "the early symptoms of contentment." "My weary body asked my weary mind: 'Was this all you needed, then?' There was no response. I was already fast asleep." She is finally in Italy after a very difficult divorce. What a wonderful adventure of pain and pleasure. Her goals in the book include not just experiencing pleasure, but learning the art of pleasure in Italy. The art of devotion in India. The art of balancing the two in Indonesia. What a concept! She felt the opposition of pleasure and devotion, but truly wanted to know each and to be able to live with them equally, thus the balance. She opened herself up to the Universe in petition, and the Universe answered her! The next part of her journey has just begun.

I told my husband last night that I want to write a letter to Elizabeth. I want her to know about my project. I want her to know how she has effected my life by just being herself. I put her website on the sidebar of my blog. I think I could write to her through that. But, .... I am nervous. What if she doesn't respond positively to my challenge or my blog or my comments as I read her book? Good Grief, though I have never been one, I think I feel like a Groupie. I don't want to worship her, I just want a chance to really thank her. Though I don't know her, Elizabeth Gilbert is changing my life.

396 days to go.