Visceral Sensitivity.
That's what the doctors say.
Since they really don't know,
That's what they guess today.
After being hospitalized for four days I learned that Visceral Sensitivity is related to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a condition I have suffered from for over nine years. Visceral Sensitivity is a condition in which the sensitivity of my digestive system is so heightened that what may be no problem to one person may be extremely painful for me (i.e., a gurgle in my stomach). The problem was that every time I ate or drank my guts hurt, sometimes very badly. After having every known test over the past three months and after having lost almost 40 pounds (6 pounds since Saturday - one every day for six days), the doctors in perplexion called my psychologist who specializes in PTSD. The question was: Could I have visceral sensitivity from my PTSD? The answer: Yes.
Am I now physically manifesting that which my brain either thinks I handled or which my brain "took care of" for me by stuffing it in a box? Apparently there is a physical condition for broken guts that relates to this kind of "stress".
Basically this means that for some period of unknown time I will need to have constant pain medication and anti-nausea medication (yes, 24/7) so that I can eat. My pain is so intense that I was hospitalized for it Tuesday morning with a number 9 pain in my abdominal area. It was so acute, that with a high lipase level in my blood I was first diagnosed with pancreatitis. The next morning the diagnosis was changed to Unknown when my lipase level returned to normal. For those of you familiar with pancreatitis, my amylase level had always been normal, which was unusual for a pancreatitis diagnosis.
My pain was real, but it had been for months. I simply couldn't eat no matter what kind of food I ate or drink I drank. They all hurt me. Water was my only comfort food. The plan now is to stay on the pain and anti-nausea meds until ... who knows and to eat anything I can so that I can get some nourishment into me. Luckily my vitamin levels were all normal on my labs and I was not dehydrated though the IV was a good boost for my system. In the past three months IVs have been revitalizing for me I have found.
Now that I am home, I nibble still here and there, but I hurt, even when I "time" my eating with my pain meds. Hopefully, if this is the diagnosis that describes my condition, we will see some relief eventually from this med routine. If not, I will be sent to the Mayo Clinic for their opinion of what's going on. At this time, Visceral Sensitivity (which is like Irritable Bowel Syndrome without the complications of change in bowel movements) resonates with my psychologist. He has know me for four years and is an advocate and supporter for me.
I have done well under his tutelage. My mind is working on solving mysteries constantly regarding where various emotions I have came from and how to use them to my advantage. I have even surprised my doctor with tools I have come up with to see into my subconsciousness. I am constantly caught unaware of the meanings I have given situations over the years. I am truly grateful for the relief I have found by acknowledging and accepting my emotions as my own creations. Since they are me, I can make plans to help their needs. Now that I know they are there, I can do something about them. It has been so rewarding.
Along with my doctors at the hospital, I also spoke to my psychologist, who kindly spoke to us from Florida where he is for a conference. He asked me to consider that my subconscious seems to be responding to some kind of "terror". He asked me to draw it. I couldn't, but interestingly enough I could write it. I created a PowerPoint called "Fear" to show me what I was protecting myself from. Often when I write I find out what I have been thinking in my subconscious mind. It is a journey of discovery. The doctor, being aware of this, assigned me not to write, but to draw. This is still an assignment I need to do; it actually is scary to me. The drawing assignment is scary to me? Again, another interesting thing to me since I have learned so many new things in my resent observations. Why am I scared? What's so dramatic now? Good Grief!
Well, writing is comfortable to me, so I wrote. As usual, the PowerPoint's content was definitely a surprise to me. It introduced things to me that I thought were resolved. It started dark and powerless and ended up with light and empowerment. It confused me. Mark, my EC, suggested that the symbolism within the PowerPoint was accurate for the past, but not accurate now. I agreed. Why would I still have it rising to the top of my consciousness? I "cleared" that information long ago.
Mark reminded me that I recently had made a decision and acted upon something that was completely opposite of how I had previously felt about something difficult in my life. After that experience, I actually had a very dramatic nightmare. (It's interesting that I chose the word "dramatic" to describe) the dream. Mark and I worked together during the dream (literally) changing the dream with our own scenarios as it went along. It worked very well. What started out badly, ended rather nicely. Everything was wrapped up with a neat little bow. (You should try it sometime. It is actually a fascinating adventure changing a dream as it is happening.)
Anyway, the dream addressed this very thing that I had already worked out, I thought. I was at peace with it, I thought. I was ready to heal it, I thought. Well, apparently that time has not really come for me. My body seems to be rejecting the concept. Bummer. Well, hopefully then the day will come when I will be ready for all things.
Is this one of those things where the Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak?
This may or may not explain why I can't eat without pain, but it is eye-opening for me. This is also not the first stressful thing I have experienced recently. I refer you to Day 5 - Can You Spell D-E-N-I-A-L? After reading this you will see that I am actually surprised that I am willing use the word "stress" as I have been writing this blog today.
I am not stressed! Oh, please!
For reasons not to get into here, the word "stress" is difficult for me. I now know, however, that it is what it is: pressure. I have it like everyone else. What I do with that pressure is up to me. I choose. I don't need to be alarmed by the concept of stress.
In a way I feel like I'm at a 12-step program: "Hi, my name is Lauri and I have PTSD, a broken gut, and stress." Everyone in the circle claps for me. "I've been clean for one day." Another round of clapping.
May I learn to accept my challenges and grow from them. (This time I clap too.)
386 days to go.
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