Day 15 - Some Unexpected Stretching

A rubber band is not quite what I wanted to be when I grew up; however, it is increasingly an option.

For me a theme last night was "stretching". How could that possibly fit into my goals for this year? It certainly was important - I could sense that. Hmmm. My goals are Eat, Pray, Love ... and Stretch?

Last night I took my EC aside and told him my true confession: I had just done something that I've been avoiding for many years. I opened myself up to a world of friends through my FaceBook. That in and of itself was scary to me. I had kept my FaceBook off limits, from me and from others. I started it. I played FarmTown on it. I added pictures of my kids. I even said I had remarried. Then I emotionally shut it down. I didn't post things there anymore. I didn't respond to requests or comments. I eventually neatly cleared all of my crops off FarmTown and packed up my farm. Today it is still standing there ready to plant. I suppose it may need to be weeded but that is to be expected with such a lapse in time. I was on FaceBook, but I wasn't on FaceBook.

Everyone else could use FaceBook so easily, but not me. Why?

To me, I wasn't ready. This was direct exposure, plain and simple. It exposed me! My Life, My Family, My World. I was afraid of it and connecting to my friends. I was afraid of them connecting with me. ... and yet they were my friends. Something was wrong with this picture. Friends support each other. I found myself in a position where I chose to disconnect with my friends, from supporting them and from them supporting me. Strangest of all, many were my dear, dear friends.

Days and weeks went by. Months went by. Years went by. My disconnections were almost complete. In a subconscious way all that I was familiar with faded away. Friends from my childhood and adulthood. I love my friends but I had become incapable of being available to them. Sad. And sadder yet, I didn't realize this was happening.

What was driving that? I had been doing it since childhood. I was doing it now to my EC. I didn't understand.

Surprised that I had decided to get involved with my FaceBook again (see my friends), I wanted to look back at the path that took me there. Today as I reviewed it I saw something interesting.

I saw a journey:

Recently I started to blog. First as a dare from my younger brother who had started a blog of his own to chronical his recently diagnosed colon cancer. As I did this, I wrote about things I was learning as each day became an adventure of observation to me. I enjoy writng, and I enjoy learning. Putting the two together was a fun hobby. That was harmless. No one knew I blogged except my family.

Later I created a blog about my health as it had become a topic of conversation among my family members and I grew tired of repeating the data from my doctors. Each time I wrote, I began to just be myself. This writing I noticed was somewhat different in mood from my other blog which was primarily composed of small essays.

Each time I wrote however, I exposed myself through my writing. It became more comfortable daily, especially as I bantered back and forth with my brother on his blog, and he on mine. Soon I saw that I was absolutely okay with what was I writing. There was no need to excuse or explain anything. It was what it was. And, it was me - happy, playful, serious, frustrated, prayful. Just me. 

Then, at my grandmother's funeral this past November, I was asked to create a family blog, which I also did. I enjoyed it and my family participated in adding to that blog, especially my dad. All was accomplished. This time my exposure to the world was different. This time I came in as the teacher of sorts. I was way out there in the universe now as my family looked to me for counsel about our new blog. I was a "blogger" now.

Finally, we jump forward a bit. After watching "Julie and Julia" I knew what I need to do next. My EC and I had also recently seen "Eat, Pray, Love" and ideas were forming in my head quicker than I could write them down. I would create a challenge for myself. I would take a year like Julie Powell did in "Julie and Julia" but I would incorporate goals from "Eat, Pray, Love", meeting my own specific needs. To do this I wanted accountability. Thus, another blog. A medium I had come to know and love.

In truth, blogging was a format that exposed me more each day - now I was even putting my name boldly on each blog. Now that was a stretch! My decision to go onto my FaceBook two nights ago after years of avoidance was another stretch! I answered many friend requests. I don't how long they had been there. I also sought out friends. Really?? Some more stretching was had.

My third goal this year is to Love and Care for my EC. I cannot do this well without being open, completely open. The stretch here is that if I can learn to reconnect with friends who I've known for a long time, then I would be "open" to them or available to them. If I could do that, I could learn to be open or available to my EC, who I have not known as long. 

What I didn't know was that as I desired to be closer to my EC, the Lord opened up the doors for an experience I didn't expect. Just by being willing, I stretched also toward my friends. I have missed them. We have shared good times and sad times together. Time and Distance does not change that.

My friends, I love you. I always have. May your lives be happy and full as mine is.

EC, I love you, I always have. May your life be happy and full too.

I am a rubber band. I think we all are.

May I stretch and stretch and stretch to a capacity of love and availability for those who have so greatly affected my life for good. As I start with my EC, may I also include my friends. I would not be the person I am today without all of you! I thank you. And, I thank God for today's insight.

Hey, does this count as meditating???!

384 days to go.